Lesson 1: WHY do you do WHAT you do?

Submodule 1

WHY do you do WHAT you do?

The purpose of this course is to give you an understanding of where and why you are unable to remove the emotional roadblocks that prevent you from being the best you that you could ever be. After clarifying the theory behind the SoS Method, this course gives you the tools to help free your Self from a lot of unnecessary suffering and become a happier person.

Unit 1 focuses on getting to the root of your behavior, the presence, or the absence of a Healthy Sense of your Self. It explains why that is important: your motivation is strongly connected to the degree to which you are able to sense your Self. You can solve many, if not all, of your life issues when you know WHY you do WHAT you do.

Why do you make certain choices and decisions? There are two layers in this process. In this unit, we deal with the obvious top layer but be prepared, there might be more to it than you expect.

The BENEFITS of Restoring your Sense of Self are:

• More compassion, empathy, tolerance
• Less hostility
• Fewer rages and family upsets
• More patience

Watch the video first

Click to download the video transcription.

GLOSSARY

For your convenience, here is a downloadable/printable PDF Glossary, or you may visit the Glossary on our website.

(Note that the glossary on the website includes some additional terms not addressed in this course, and contains links to extended and more detailed information on each term.)

NEW SoS TERMS

• Who am I?
• Sense of Self (SoS)

Who Am I?: This is the ultimate question to ask yourself as you begin a journey of self-exploration, with the objective of finding out your true (and perhaps unknown) motives for doing or avoiding things.

“Who am I?” is a deceptively simple question. Throughout your life, you go through great changes, and things about who you are don’t always make sense. But starting now, you will benefit from knowing more about yourself because not knowing the answer to the question “Who am I?” can make you a victim in your life instead of the Master of your own fate.

You might think at first, “Of course I know who I am: I am a mother, a daughter, an aunt to Johnny, a friend to Eva. I am a carpenter or an engineer; I am someone’s fiancé or spouse.” But are those really the truest answers to “Who am I?” or, to rephrase, “What am I all about?” Being consciously aware of what it is that makes you get up in the morning, other than the habit of doing so, will give you true insight into who you are—one that is based on your deep, internal motivations.

Definition Sense of Self (SoS): A conscious or subconscious awareness of existing independently as a unique and potentially autonomous human being and of what intrinsically comes with it in your daily life.

Does the term “Sense of Self” resonate with you, and if so, how? What does it mean to you, now that you have watched the video for this lesson? Please know that the concept is less about the Self, and more about “Sensing” the Self.

Is the light on in the fridge when I close the door? Does a tree falling in the woods still make noise when I am not there to hear it?

A similar question can be asked about the Self: Is your Self still there when you are not sensing it?

In this course, you will begin learning to Sense your Self, which will enable you to be truer to yourself and make your world a better place!

Consider this: You have a body that you can see and touch and feel—it is proof you exist independently from your caregivers and not as an extension of your parents. So why then is it possible for you, as a full-grown adult, to feel as if you don’t fully control your own life? In fact, you don’t just feel you can’t—there are mechanisms at work in your mind and emotions that do not allow it to happen: So you really can’t!

You hear your heart beating and you feel air filling your lungs when you breathe deeply. It’s obvious where these processes happen and you can easily sense when something is off. But where does your Sense of Self reside and how did it come into existence? Is it fully functioning?

Guiding Questions

Fill in the rest of each sentence we have started for you here and feel free to use these prompts more than once to come up with different endings.

Ever since I was young I have needed/wanted/loved to…

My family has always been/done/cared about…

When I feel stressed, I immediately…

When I really want something, I will…

READING

Selected readings from Chapter 1.

Healthy Sense of Self, How to be true to your Self and make your world a better place!

Also available on Amazon is the revised edition (2023) under the title:

“Healthy Sense of Self, The Secret to Being Your Best Self”

ACTIVITY

WHAT do you do and WHY do you think you do it?

You have specific behaviors, activities, rituals, and ways of doing things that have become important to you and affect your daily levels of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. You probably learned these habits from a parent or caregiver, a teacher or a mentor. What matters here is for you to become aware that everyone else has a number of habits that are more important to them than others, as well.

Do you recognize any of the following examples as being especially important to you?

• Making your bed every morning
• Doing the breakfast dishes before leaving for work
• Checking email first thing at work
• Calling your parents every week
• Exercising a certain number of times per week
• Eating specific foods at holidays
• Sending birthday cards without fail
• Organizing the calendar around certain special days
• Working in a particular way to assure productivity
• Making lists before you go to bed
• Updating a gratitude journal at the end of every day
• Reviewing the ups and downs of the day

The purpose of the next activity is Self-Assessment.

In the following three steps, you will discover some of your specific behaviors and characteristics. You can take inventory for yourself, or, of course, for anyone else you may have in mind as you go through this course. This activity requires you to set aside judgment and create a list, much like a shopping list for the grocery store.

This list is just for you, and you do not have to share it with anyone.

Be factual. Don’t judge. AND: Save this inventory for future use in the following units.

Step 1 – Take an Inventory of What You Do

Create three vertical columns with plenty of room to write your responses. In the first column, answer the following questions as matter-of-factly as you can:

• What behaviors, activities, or rituals are parts of your daily/weekly routine? (e.g. I take a morning walk, I shower after breakfast, I review email before I leave for work, I write a positive daily affirmation to set the tone for my day, I make my bed, I take my own lunch to work)
• Which of those are a high priority for you?
• Which of those create a certain feeling of urgency? Things that you feel you MUST do to maintain calm and focus; otherwise, if you don’t do them, you feel disoriented or uneasy.

Step 2 – Honestly determine WHY You Think You Do WHAT You Do

Look back at the list that you have created and beside each entry, in the second column, write the reason you do it. Write the first reason that comes to mind next to the item in your original list. If there is more than one reason why this behavior matters to you, write it down as well. Quickly work your way through your list until you have at least one reason for why you do each item.

Step 3 – How long have you been performing this behavior, activity, or ritual?

For the last part of this activity ask yourself the question: “How many months/years/decades of my life have I been doing this?” Or: “How old was I when I began doing this?” Write down the first answer that comes to your mind and don’t overthink. Write your answer in the third column beside each item.

Now you have a multi-columned inventory that’s easy to refer back to, like the example below:

What You Do       Why You Do It      How Long You’ve Done It

Make my bed    I like a neat room    Since age 11

Walk in the morning For clarity and fitness  Since 1998

You will refer back to this list in future units, so keep it safe and accessible.

QUOTE FROM THE GUIDED JOURNAL

Day 62

A Healthy Sense of Self is what it takes to fully Be YourSelf.

When you are yourSelf

you stand a much better chance

to stay free

rom the many problems that plague us in our day and age:

Relationship problems,

or with money,

self-sabotage,

fear of failure,

(domestic-) violence,

suicide,

and even

acts of war!

RECAP

In this unit, we asked you to catalog, with as much objectivity as you could, WHAT you do in the course of a day or as a matter of habit or routine. The habits and behaviors we learned in childhood travel forward with us as we develop in either healthy or unhealthy ways. Becoming self-aware of this is especially useful for people who feel they are not completely in charge of their actions and behavior.

LOOKING AHEAD

Are you surviving or are you thriving? That is the idea we explore in the next unit. If you aren’t living an autonomous life, does that count as truly thriving? And what exactly do early experiences with your caregivers have to do with how you conduct yourself as an adult? You may remember having a great childhood and have concluded that it is just you who is unable to live up to certain conditions, but what was operating in the background?

*IMPORTANT NOTE* All comments left on the course are PUBLIC to course takers and Healthy Sense of Self employees. If you would like to send a private comment please email antoinetta@healthysenseofself.com