Lesson 10: How to Find Your Stride – Step by Step

Submodule 10

NOTE: For an optimal understanding of the content of this and the following lessons, please refer to the book “Healthy Sense of Self” (Balboa edition 2022). In the following lessons, many references are made to details that are described in the book.

NOTE 2: As more and more students are taking the course, it is clear to me that it’s difficult for people to move from a Lack of Sense of Self to a Restored Sense of Self. And yes, it’s easier said than done so let’s discuss what you can do to easily make the switch. As stated before, it is not a quick fix. You must be patient with your progress. It begins with shifting your focus.

Overview

How can you change your focus from getting self-worth from external stimuli such as validation, admiration, and approval of others, to sensing your Self through internal awareness of your body? Here is the answer to that question. When you are aware of your existence and of the fact that outside stimuli, good or bad, don’t change anything for you except for the way you feel about yourself, you will realize you no longer need validation. Just the fact that you are alive gives you the right to feel good about yourself! Once you realize that, you can finally live the life YOU envision! This is where you break free from fear, compulsion, and other negative aspects.

Every single person has a Self. Yes, you have one too!

Unfortunately, through circumstances beyond our control, some of us have not developed an inner knowing of their Sense of Self. Maybe this is the case for you as well. If so, you were not in the position to cultivate a Sense of your own personhood.

In this lesson, you’ll find tools and different body-awareness techniques that help you to rebuild a Restored Sense of Self and cultivate a clearer perspective of your Authentic Self. They are meant to inspire you to align yourself to your Authentic Self for your own benefit of living as your true Self.

Included are several maps that show you the shortest way to a Restored Sense of Self, using the process of recognizing your motivation for doing the things you do or those that you avoid (compare the book, Chapter 17, page 346). Furthermore, you will find a short overview of other effective and helpful techniques that you can find online that may support you on your quest.

ACTIVITY 10.1

The following activity is geared towards becoming aware of your inner power, your inner energy.

Imagine that someone wants to give you an old coat. “It doesn’t fit me anymore,” says the person offering you the coat. “You can have it.” You think this is a nice gesture, but you don’t like that coat, and it’s too big. Aside from that, it’s not your style at all, and you know you’ll never wear it. Nothing stirs in your body; your energy level stays flat.

Now imagine this friend offering you a plane ticket to the Bahamas or a ticket to a movie you want to see. This time your reaction is different. Something inside you is stirring. Your arms as well as your heart seem to reach outwards to grab that opportunity. Note the difference in bodily sensation and compare the feeling of being gifted that coat you don’t like to the feeling of being offered something you really want. Something starts to move inside of you, e-move! It is your very own energy, your life force, and your power.

Be an observer of what happens inside your body and describe the difference you notice, so you won’t forget.

Now you have become aware of your inner strength, and how it stays dormant when it isn’t activated. From now on always keep this inner power and energy in mind when you make decisions. In other words, don’t say YES, when your energy says NO. Don’t give that power away to anything or anyone, not even to your work or your best friend! That power is YOU! Many of us tend to give it away in our interpersonal relationships if only to keep the peace, or especially to keep the peace. Please be aware that there is a fine line between right and wrong here, especially when you love someone.

What happens when we constantly give our life force away? We become co-dependent while depleting our self-love energy. This is a common mistake people make in life, which reinforces a Lack of Sense of Self. Depleted of life force energy, we no longer know who we really are, what we want, or what we’re doing with our mind, body, and spirit altogether.

To restore your Sense of Self,

you must change your focus and become aware of your body:
YOUR BODY IS YOU. YOU ARE IT.
FOCUS ON YOUR BODY AND YOUR INNER ENERGY!

A Lack of Sense of Self does not mean a lack of Self!
Your Self is there! You just never learned to feel it, to sense it.

On page 327 of Healthy Sense of Self (ed. 2022), I write: “I want to make it very clear that it is not a deficiency of Self that I consider to be the root cause of many ailments and dysfunctions, but an inability to sense the Self”.

Here is how I got the process of sensing my Self started.

I remember how I took the first steps in figuring out what was missing from my life. It would always happen in the middle of the night when I was unable to fall asleep. Then, after a few hours of tossing and turning, I would get out of bed, sneak around in the dining room, trying to avoid the floorboards that creaked if I stepped on the wrong spot. At this late hour, I would be quite upset about my predicament and had no idea what to do with myself. I would end up in the kitchen making myself a soothing cup of tea. I would settle back down on the couch pondering my problematic situation and wondering what the solution might be. This ended up being my go-to place on the many sleepless nights that were to follow.

After sitting on the couch in the dark for an hour or so, I would get my thoughts together well enough to realize that I wasn’t in any immediate danger. It became clear to me that my vigilance, stubborn as it was, emanated from my own mind. And that mindset had complete control over me; I was engulfed in it. In other words, I had no idea who I could or would be with a different mindset, a mindset based on my own Self. How could I have? My own (Real) Self was simply not present at all. Well, that became clearer as I started to explore and grow awareness of my physical presence as a body, as a human being. I only knew myself as, what I would later call, my Substitute Sense of Self. But that was all in my head because that was the only place from where I related to myself!

One night, I got up from the couch and walked toward the large armchair. In the dark, I reached out and touched it. I was intrigued by its texture as I slowly slid my hands over the bumpy leather, while I sat down in it. I became aware not only of what I was feeling with my hands but even more of the fact that I was feeling. And that I had sensations because of it. For the first time, I could feel that I was in my body. The fact that I had these sensations meant that I existed, as a body. Touching and feeling is something I had always done, but now I had become aware that a bodily sensation was very different from what was going on in my head when I couldn’t sleep. And I was only in my head when I couldn’t sleep.

Slowly I got up from the couch, in the dark, because I was afraid putting any light on would wake me up even more. I walked over to the mantle and ran my fingers along the rough marble. I experienced a cold sensation in my body as I simultaneously realized that I was the one experiencing the chill of the marble. At this moment, it dawned on me: I AM existing, in the present, because I feel it right NOW.

As I write this, so many years later, I sense the smooth wood of my writing desk under my arms, while tapping on the keyboard. I stop for a moment running my hands over the soft polished wood. The sensation it gives me is still deeply comforting to me: “I feel, so therefore I am”.

Now let’s see if you can create a similar awareness experience for yourself. Look around your surroundings and consider what tactile elements and things are in your environment that have an obvious texture to them. Which of these things could you touch with your fingertips, or brush with your palm, so they can put you on a starting track of what it is to really feel as your true self, and with that, begin to sense yourself, with your whole being? Try it!

Get up and walk toward something near you that has a bit of a rough surface. As you walk, feel your feet on the carpet or tile floor with each step. Put your hand on that surface and just feel it. What are you noticing? Is it warm? Is it cool? Is it hard or soft or somewhere in between? Is it a large flatter surface or something small with edges? Perhaps close your eyes and see how inner and outer sensations shift or intensify. Take a moment to reflect on the fact that it is you who is touching this object, a surface, or a texture. Sense fully now what you experience in that moment. And from now on you can say to yourself, “I am the one who is feeling that, so I exist as myself.” I feel, so I exist!

With a simple practice (as described above) we can pause the chatter of overwhelming emotions and thoughts (anxiety, fear, or concern). A simple practice like this has the power to bring us back into our bodies whenever self-awareness needs to be restored.

Congratulations! You’ve now discovered a small aspect of your True Self.

ACTIVITY 10.2: Develop Your Inner Wisdom

Do you know whether or not you are standing in your Authentic Self? Read through the introduction to this questionnaire and answer the questions as honestly as you can. Remember, sugarcoating your answers is not going to help you.

Recognize your patterns of behavior while under stress when things feel out of your control. This is KEY to getting out of your head and back into your body and making the best choices for yourself. Become aware when you are suppressing your emotions.

Emotions can take in a lot of time and energy. Emotions can be a nuisance when you want to be efficient, so we tend to ignore them. Anything that interferes with being efficient in reaching your Hidden Agenda (or Hidden Goal) can be experienced as annoying; it may even incite anger or rage. This is how you gradually cause yourself to lose track of your senses; know that your feelings can lose their edge, both physically and emotionally.

Emotions can be painful and trigger parts of our lives we don’t want to remember or even know about. Can you think of things that you prefer to ignore rather than feel?

• Make a list of situations you prefer to avoid (e.g. giving critical feedback to a colleague, reminding your husband to clean up his socks, asking for money back you have lent to someone).
• Pick one to visualize yourself taking it on, rather than ignoring the feeling that it brings up (e.g. expressing anger or disappointment). What would happen if you actively went through the wave of emotions? What would happen if you did allow them to be experienced? What could you do differently now that you know this? How can you be more in alignment with your Self?

The main goal of this exercise is to experience (for yourself) the benefits of feeling your emotions, activating inner awareness of your life energy and physical home (your body) – to remind yourself that you always exist! You may not be happy about something, someone, or a certain situation, but continue keeping awareness of the fact that you are existing nevertheless.

Feelings live by means of the body and our experiencing them. Sit and be with them, grieve or rage, or feel what you need to feel; see it as a part of life and not as something undesirable. Especially when you are dependent on a SubSoS and have Hidden Goals, you may feel thwarted in your attempts to reach it. If you recognize this make sure you investigate even more! Feel your feelings, sob, scream, tear apart a newspaper! Then let them go – don’t hang on to them, don’t identify with them, and crumble in self-pity. Move on! Life is now! So, take it or leave it! Both sides are part of life: the light and the dark; the black and the white; rain or sunshine. Celebrate life even with the negatives!

• What are some examples of current life circumstances you can investigate to find out where you are ignoring your feelings (e.g. dental visits, a job search, receiving feedback, disagreements). Which of these causes you greater stress? Why do you think you tend to do that?
• Growing up, what circumstances felt like you didn’t want to feel them, didn’t want to be there? Who are the actors in these memory scenes? What conclusions did your young Self draw? What truths did your young Self accept or create to cope?
• What similarities in themes exist between childhood examples and adult scenarios–and who you are right now? What core beliefs do you have about what to do, how to handle emotions?
• What core habits do you have, in terms of using your senses actively? Are you enjoying the fact that you have those precious tools to experience the things in this world?
• What can you do to revive your awareness of your senses, of that unique part of being YOU?
• Do you recognize and follow your instincts (e.g., breathing, moving to ground yourself)? What activities support feeling your body awareness, aliveness, and inner strength? (e.g. dancing allows me to tap into joy while feeling strong and fluid; deep belly breathing to release trapped tension, fingertips touching for gentle grounding).

There are many ways to engage all of your senses to support a gentle, steady reminder that you already exist. The moment you feel, you know it. You exist. You don’t have to deserve your existence in any way. Your feelings are your own! The textures we touch, the scents we smell, the sounds we hear, the moving and breathing we do daily–all can serve to be a reminder that when you feel, you exist.

ACTIVITY 10.3: Make a New Commitment Agreement in Service of Your Restored Sense of Self.

Refer to the list of Ego-References and Vehicles you created in Lesson 5 for your ideas to Identify the importance they used to have in your life and how they would overshadow how you experienced your Self? Go through them one by one and make mental notes, actively envisioning another reality. Make sure your brain consciously registers this shift in experience.

E.g. One of my Ego-References was: “Avoid being angry” because my mom would scold me for it. She wasn’t able to deal with a person who didn’t cooperate with her– securing her own EgoRefs, which was to have “peace” at all costs in the house. She would blame me for making her life miserable. I would then feel bad about myself instead of the “Feeling-good-about-self” feeling I craved. (Remember: “Feeling-good-about-self” equals having a SubSSoS, which means I feel worthy of being).

But with me “being” angry, and my mom blaming me for making her life miserable, I would not feel seen and heard, or taken into account. I would then experience Annihilation. But now, through the awareness of my senses, I know that I don’t need a SubSoS because I feel I am existing (with my Real Self). I know that because I feel my feet, my feelings; I see, I breathe. I know for sure now that I already am, and that I can be angry if I have a reason for it. You will notice, however, that your anger doesn’t escalate because your “being” and “existing” are no longer at stake. You already are!

Begin with one previously identified pattern. Repeat aloud three times, hearing your voice, feeling the vibration of your vocal cords, sensing the rise and fall of your chest and your diaphragm: “From now on I decline living for a SSoS, and will give priority to experiencing my life, my Self through my bodily senses. I value each one of them and I am aware of the gift they really are.”

Is one of the 5 senses your favorite? Which one is it? Now commit to that particular one to help you regain body awareness when you feel overwhelmed and out of control. Say out loud: “In case of the emergency of losing mySelf I will always…”

• use my sight, which I will no longer take for granted; look at the sky (blue or gray, cloudy or cloud-free); register the ocean waves breaking when living close to the beach; watch the tree branches moving, the birds in the garden, or the path I am standing on– to bring me back to mySelf.
• use my ears to hear the sounds in the world around me, near to me, far from me, to appreciate the birdsong, the hum of the refrigerator, the children playing soccer, the honk of a car horn to know that I already am.
• use the sounds I make, and my voice when I hum, sing, or speak to hear myself. I will never take for granted that I can speak and express my feelings aloud, bringing myself back to my body, to mySelf.

Note: you can even wear a ring or bracelet to remind you of your decision. For more information check out our free resources: https://healthysenseofself.com/self-awareness-exercise-parents/.

Warning for Relapse

That was the first step, but beware! It is easy to fall back into old routines. Just when you think you know where your Self is, and what a Substitute Sense of Self is, you may discover that what you thought to be your true Self often still is not. Then, you may find yourself chasing certain conditions that are not in alignment with who you are.

Once again you may suffer from certain conditions that are too familiar from the time you started this work on yourself: migraines, insomnia, anger, etc. You may get furious when certain things still don’t work out, annoyed by your partner’s behavior, saying things like: “Why don’t they just do [blank], then I’d feel better about my life.”

Or maybe you get sick and lie in bed, feeling miserable for a week or more, and after your illness, you pick up the thread of finding your true Self. The cycle of all too familiar ailments or behavior then starts all over again because you lost the degree of awareness that you had achieved, and you’ve fallen back into your old system of self-perception. Like weeds in a garden that return, our default behaviors (we’ve had since being young) may return as an impulse that feels natural to our body and mind. The changes we make will be challenged in stressful times. When this happens, don’t get discouraged! Keep going. Keep practicing. Keep weeding your garden!

Exercise: Walking Meditation

(Suggestion: go out for a walk and use this meditation to integrate what you have learned so far about your senses and how you can use them to sense your Self).

Walk some steps at your normal pace, but plant your feet very consciously on the ground. Feel the ground beneath your feet as you slowly take and land each step. Do this for a few minutes and as you take each of your steps speak aloud and describe your experience as you take each step: the ground is hard, it is concrete … the ground is soft, it is grass.

Try doing this exercise by walking up and down the stairs. What do you notice is required of you going up versus going down?

Now, lie down in bed and try to feel your feet, your ankles, your toes, the bottom of your feet. Can you feel each specific part? And can you feel your legs? Now pull up your knees and plant your feet on the sheets. This way you have that sensation that you can anchor your roots in the ground. Concentrate on your feet to help you ground yourself. Are these your own feet or do they belong to someone else?

Acknowledge what you see, feel, know. Your legs are attached to your feet, so these are your legs. Your legs carry your body around. Your body is your vehicle in this life – without it, you cannot exist in human form.

Your body is where you start and where you end. It is the first proof that you exist as a unique individual with your nose, your eyes, your skin, your hair, and your body shape. Look in the mirror. Who do you see there? It’s YOU!

It may feel a bit strange when you begin to focus on your Self from a physical perspective, but it gets easier and more natural as you go. Maybe right now your body feels empty, and that’s ok. It may feel empty because your survival strategy drove you to focus on the wrong things in your life: you were indirectly motivated because you didn’t know how to serve your Self. Not because of negligence or stupidity. Rather out of innate intelligence because, as a child, you learned that doing something to perfection (even though you didn’t like doing it), would help you to fulfill this need that every child has, to get attention and be seen and heard, loved, and appreciated by their family.

Maybe you too, have been giving all your attention to things that you don’t even like to do, only to fulfill this subconscious need of getting attention, to be heard and seen … to be loved. Whatever the case may be, once you notice your behavior patterns and motivation for doing the things you do, you now can step back into your power. Sense your Self and know “I have the power!”

Now look in the mirror again, but this time go beyond the physical body and look inside. Sense your inner power as you look at yourself. Feel and surround yourself with your own strength and take a vow to always keep that power with you!

LET’S REVIEW HOW TO STEP BACK INTO YOUR OWN BODY

• First, it’s important to mentally realize that you are already in it, otherwise you would not be in this world. For you to exist, you need your body. But are you aware of it? Practice body awareness regularly. (See Chapter 14 in the HySoS book, p. 278).
• Know that your Self is there; you just need to learn to sense it.
• Change your focus from being directed towards how to earn validation to body awareness.
• Monitor your inner energy/power.
• Never give your life force away.
• Use your senses to confirm that you already exist and don’t need to earn your existence.
• Be aware that relapse is always lurking.

Exercise 10.2: Your Twelve Self-assessment Statements

Pull out and review the 12 Self-Assessment Statements you made at the beginning of the course. Do they still resonate with you? Note the changes and put an exclamation mark where you fell short and commit to keep working on getting out of your shell and living life to the fullest.

Now compare your own Twelve Reconditioning Statements to the following Healthy Sense of Self-Reconditioning statements. Are they similar in any way?

1. My life and my body are mine.
2. I experience myself.
3. I am present to the HERE and NOW.
4. I think for myself.
5. I am fully aware of my senses.
6. I have access to my own feelings, preferences, and opinions.
7. I see others for who they are.
8. I have conversations to exchange information or to connect with others.
9. My work is only work and not a vehicle for a Substitute Sense of Self.
10. Relapse (to dependence on approval) is always lurking.
11. I’m ready to share my life with others.
12. I am ready to be part of a healthy community and society.

These statements, or your own, whatever applies best to you, are to be learned by heart and to be kept readily available to help you get back on track when you feel confused, doubting which way to go.

More Exercises

Below are more exercises that can help you to experience your Authentic Self. These techniques will trigger physical responses. By acknowledging these somatic experiences, you have proof that you feel you are real. Upon completing the exercises, take the time to breathe deeply through your nose and out through your mouth. I breathe, and so I am.

Exercise 3: Roadmap for Restoring your Sense of Self

On page 346 of Healthy Sense of Self you’ll find a chapter containing three maps explaining the processes of change that need to take place in your focus and objectives so you can become fully your Self. Read more about this in Chapter 17.

Exercise 4: Sensing your Self when you are alone vs. while being with others.

During shared experiences with others, it can be more difficult to stay fully conscious of yourself than when you are alone. This applies to group encounters in general but certainly to sexual experiences. It would be contrary to the nature of having sex to advise you to remain aware of yourself at times when you are meant to lose yourself. Sexual experiences emphasize pleasure and the fact that you really do exist in the NOW: I feel pleasure, I enjoy it, so I am!

Of course, this also applies to other forms of physical movement, done solo or with partners, such as yoga, various styles of dancing, massage, etc. The point is to always save 20% of your energy to stay aware of your Self, by means of body awareness or simply focusing on your breath. The other 80% can be directed to what is going on. (Split-attention).

Exercise 5: Mindfulness

This is a subtle way of (learning to) being in the moment without having a judgment about it. Mindfulness contributes to putting an experience or a trigger of a previous trauma into perspective, thus relieving its emotional intensity.

Exercise 10.6: Havening

Havening is a neuroscience-based, alternative therapy developed by Ronald Ruden. It is based on debunking the emotional charge of the amygdala energy by means of a self-soothing touch, which can help people with psychological problems and anxiety to calm down and feel safer. This self-soothing motion is usually done with crossed arms and gently, but noticeably stroking from shoulders to elbows–like a moving self-hug. For more information, please visit the link: Havening Details.

Exercise 10.7: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Through the links below you can easily get insight into what this therapy (that you can also do yourself) entails. Watch EMDR Video.

Exercise 10.8: Mireille Mettes’s MIR Method

A few minutes a day and you can already re-program yourself to a certain extent and make your existence more pleasant. MIR stands for Mental and Intuitive Reset. It exists in several languages. Visit MIR Method.

Exercise 10.9: Motivation Check

The Motivation Check is a tool that helps you create more Self-awareness: if you understand your Motivation, you have a key to understanding yourself. WHY do you do WHAT you do, or avoid doing some things – often at all cost? Once you understand what you are actually after, you come closer to seeing the whole picture of yourself.

On the surface we think we know what makes us get up in the morning, but surprisingly, deeply hidden underneath that surface of our conscious awareness, there can be a whole world of motivations at work that, so far, we had no idea existed. By figuring out what your ultimate goals are, you get to know yourself thoroughly and learn what you are all about. Self-knowledge is power! Knowing yourself fully will enable you to make smart decisions from which others also benefit.

Questioning your Motivation is also a way to find out whether you have a Natural Sense of Self or are dependent on a Substitute Sense of Self for your Self-experience. With the help of the forms below you’ll shed more light in the dark corners of your subconscious motivations.

Start by studying the first and second charts thoroughly so you get a sense of the categories of each concept in the header. The third and fourth charts are for you to fill in. The sequence in these lists gives a clear outline of how, through the pattern of Indirect Motivation, a Vehicle is used to work on improving our Ego-References, with the goal of accomplishing our Hidden Agenda, which will take us on our way to our (ultimate) Hidden Goal.

• The first chart describes what the concepts Vehicle, Ego-Reference, Hidden Agenda and Hidden Goal mean or represent.
• The second chart lists examples of types of activity or behavior they cover.
• The third chart gives an idea of the difference in physical experiences between the execution of an action based on Direct Motivation as opposed to one based on Indirect Motivation.
• The fourth chart is more of a form that you need to fill in with what you might use as a Vehicle and what would be your Ego-References and Hidden Agendas, as well as your personal Hidden Goal.

So the first three charts are for general understanding, and the fourth one, the form, is the most important for your own growth process. Here you have a chance to write down what you can presently detect within you, about what might be your Vehicles, Ego-References, and Hidden Agendas. This will help you learn to identify your Motivation Pattern; is it Direct or Indirect? As mentioned before, knowing that is a great help in self-assessing whether you have a Healthy Sense of Self or whether you are without it. In case you are without it, the Motivation Check also helps to find out what, if not your Self, your ultimate drive is and what that means in your life.

You can download the charts from our website at: Motivation Check Process (or refer to the book, pages 248-255), and make more than one blank copy of these last two charts. As you learn more about yourself through introspecting, you will become increasingly clear about what to write down here. Filling out a new copy of the chart every few weeks is a good idea.

QUOTE FROM THE GUIDED JOURNAL

Day 1

There are two paths to your future.
One path leads from
the unshakable place of Real Sense of Self
towards a productive and self-fulfilling life;
the other leads
through landmarks of approval
to frenzy, anxiety,
to more frenzy and anxiety and
in the end
to physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion:
disease!

You can switch paths at any time,
but the younger you are,
the easier it is.
Make sure you live your life from that place within
where you do not doubt that
you are being YOU.
You may have to dig deeper than you think.

RECAP

Take some time now to carefully determine the best method for you to move as seamlessly as possible from living with a Substitute Sense of Self to a life rooted in, and in alignment with, your True Self.

Step by baby step, you’ll find your stride and your real life, a life in which you are your own goal, a life that is truly yours!

This lesson was about finding your way back to your own body.