Lesson 11: Sometimes It’s There, Your Sense of Self and Sometimes It Seems to Disappear

Submodule 11

NOTE: For an optimal understanding of the content of this and the following lessons, please refer to the book “Healthy Sense of Self” the Secret to Being Your Best Self.” In the lesson references are made to details that are described in the book.

Overview

This lesson goes deeper into the Fear of Annihilation and what you can do to free yourself from its grip. You also learn more about the process of reconditioning yourself. In this lesson, you discover the shortest way to reach your Self via the Magic Formula. I also link back to the Walking Meditation in Lesson 10 to emphasize the importance of sensing your feet as a starting point in the process of learning to sense the Self you already have and are. Then there is another emotional exercise that leads to becoming more at one with yourself: lovingly speaking your own name. At the end of this lesson, you’ll practice with the “Emergency Formula,” which is a go-to formula when Fear of Annihilation overwhelms you.

Repeat, Repeat, and Repeat

Repetition is necessary to turn old habits into new behaviors, in this case, shifting your focus from things outside yourself to physical experiences to help you become aware that “you already exist”. Don’t hesitate to use mnemonics to remember your resolutions, if needed. There will be many days in which you are too busy to focus on reconditioning your behavior. Here is when it’s useful to have a few mnemonics as a reminder because those are precisely the dangerous moments during which you fall back into your old habits. And the deceptive part is that you won’t be aware of it.

Now create a few mnemonics that inspire you, reminding you that you have decided to shift your focus from being SubSoS-oriented to the awareness of your vehicle in this life: your body.

Here are a few examples of techniques that do the trick for me:

• Put on a special bracelet
• Put on or even buy a special ring
• Hang up a note within sight
• Or use an abbreviation as a mantra, something like FOBA (Focus on Body Awareness).

Of course, you can use these reminders for anything that is important to remember for the process of reconditioning yourself. Here are some examples:

• Put on a bracelet to remind you to stop once in a while and take a few deep breaths.
• Put on a special ring that reminds you of your truth: I already exist! I don’t have to work so hard.
• Hang up a note with words such as “Loving my Self is the key to my happiness.”
• Create abbreviations that have a personal meaning. Sometimes it is easier to work a list of things you don’t want to forget into an interesting abbreviation, i.e., BAP: I am the Boss, the Administrator, and the Protector of my Self.

As a reminder, your recovery depends on reconditioning yourself. This means freeing yourself from survival strategies that you developed as a child. Let’s review before we dive deeper into this topic.

As you grew up, your parents and educators trained you, similar to how animals like parrots, horses, or circus bears are trained. Reconditioning involves rewiring your brain to override old habits that are no longer in your best interest. When you recondition your mind, you are retraining your brain to do what you truly want, which aligns with your authenticity and happiness.

Many parents believe that what they teach their children is in their best interest. However, often, they teach things that make them feel good about themselves because they also lack a sense of self. They depend on feeling good about themselves as a substitute sense of self. This is a life and death matter for them too, so they serve their own hidden agendas by training their children to support them in reaching their hidden goals. Beware of this dynamic.

If you were locked in such a process when you were young, you were unable to follow your own inclinations and develop your talents. Growing up this way, you were not allowed to become the person you truly are. How could you develop a sense of yourself if you were not allowed to be yourself?

For example, let’s say you loved playing the piano as a child, and you played so well that your parents were very proud of you and encouraged you to play in public. However, playing to an audience didn’t appeal to you and went against your nature. When you told your parents this, they became less happy with you. They continued to pressure you to play in public, not for your benefit as a musician but for their personal satisfaction. You wanted to maintain their approval and adoration, so you kept going against yourself.

As an adult, to free yourself from the conditioning and tear down the wall you’ve built around your true self, you need to learn what that wall is made of. At the beginning of this course, you completed the self-assessment and created your own twelve reconditioning statements. These statements will help you override negative aspects and implement your own chosen values and norms in your heart and mind.

A Word of Warning

It’s tricky, though. Here is why. Even though you may have understood what went wrong and have decided to do things differently, it is not automatically changing. Attitudes and habits that have shaped your mindset for years are difficult to drop. They are part of the person you have become. They are deeply ingrained and hardwired in your brain. So, please be patient with yourself.

Proceed slowly, steadily but securely. Don’t let yourself be disappointed. You will get there in the end!

To flourish as your own person, you must redirect your feelings, desires, and fears and allow them to be of service to your own, personal interest. And please know that the process of reconditioning is excruciatingly slow. You can compare it to a newly sowed seed. It needs the right conditions, care, and time to grow. Or even to a rose that you are trying to grow into a specific direction. At times it feels as if your own body is working against you, as it seems to want to return to its previous state as soon as possible. Keep in mind that this is your former survival system trying to protect you from dropping those strategies that once have served you. But now you know better, so please don’t be fooled by your brain! Keep going…

Below we will elaborate on a few techniques and methods that can assist you in your reconditioning.

Repeat, Repeat, and Repeat Again

You will need to develop daily practice. Reconditioning your brain is just like learning to play the piano or tennis. Time, diligence, and effort will be required.

(NOTE: Please keep the book, Healthy Sense of Self, the Secret to Being Your Best Self, with you during this section of the course, and also as you continue cultivating your Sense of Self in the next lessons).

ACTIVITY 11.1: Awareness Back to Your Feet

Throughout your day, increase your awareness of your feet. Every so often take notice of the steps you are taking: These are my feet, and I walk from point A to point B with them. They carry my body. I don’t need anyone’s approval as I use my own two feet to carry my own body!

Bringing awareness to your body is something you can pursue to the extent you deem fit. But DO pause your daily activities for a moment when you’re running wild and feeling overwhelmed. When this happens, slow down, and take a meditative walk around your immediate environment. For example, walk around your office with full awareness of each movement of your feet, and of all the muscles that come into action as you place each foot on the ground.

Get specific with your thoughts on how you walk, as you walk. I step forward with one foot landing squarely on the heel of the foot. I roll forward onto the ball of my foot. I raise the heel and push off with my big toe. As the heel of my front foot is striking, I am being propelled forward by my back foot, pushing off the ground. This exercise works particularly well when you walk up or down the stairs.

When concentrating on your feet, even if only for a minute, you also receive the positive effect of getting “out of your head” for a few moments.

Also, take deep abdominal breaths—in through your nose and out through your mouth—as you do your walking meditation. This will help you break through the chaos of automatic actions and reactions. At moments like this, you may even become aware of the fact that life is not endless. And, therefore, it makes sense to make conscious decisions, instead of keep walking on a leash controlled by your “autopilot.”

Use your time wisely when you are standing in line somewhere and move your toes in your shoes with the awareness that you (already) exist. Did you know you are strongest when standing while actively spreading and holding all ten toes? Try it and see if someone can push you over!

ACTIVITY 11.2: Saying Your Name

Isn’t it wonderful when someone lovingly speaks your name? It is often a surprise when someone else says your name aloud. That rarely happens for many of us!

Here’s an activity for you to try. Gently and kindly repeat your name to yourself— as if you’re introducing yourself to your Self: Hello, my name is Annet. I am Annet. It may seem strange at first, but it took me a lifetime before I could say wholeheartedly: I am Annet. You can do this in front of a mirror if you’d like. Sometimes it’s enough to remind yourself who you are by name! And then to reflect on how that feels and what it means to you.

You can supplement this activity with the following affirmation and really try to feel those words:

• I’m here! Others can see and hear me.
• I have a voice; I have a (Look in the mirror!)
• I already AM; I get positive attention from other people.
• I am my own person.
• I have a place where I am at home: my Self is my home.
• I am emotionally safe and can express myself freely.
• I am free to be myself!

Now let’s tackle the next topic of this lesson and go into more detail on how to battle the Fear of Annihilation.

Here is a little story, showing you what you can do for yourself when Fear of Annihilation assaults you…

I’d like to introduce the two exemplary characters from the Healthy Sense of Self book, Erika, and Paul. In case you don’t remember them, let me remind you. Erika was raised by her aunt Alma because her mother was killed in a car accident. Her aunt has no children of her own and was focused on her work, at the time she became Erika’s primary caretaker. Aunt Alma was a workaholic.

The Sense of Self Method states that workaholics function from a Substitute Sense of Self, in that their self-worth is dependent upon their performance at work. Aunt Alma was juggling a conflicting Ego-Reference towards her mom, Erika’s grandmother, who had always resented Alma for not having started a family, and for not giving her grandchildren. Even as an adult, Alma still needed her mother’s approval, so she set herself up to take Erika into her home and continue to take care of her upbringing. But Alma’s heart wasn’t really into raising a child. She didn’t see her niece as the unique, authentic person every child is. Instead, Alma was indirectly motivated and only fulfilled the conditions that would give her the approval of other family members, especially her mother.

As Erika spent her childhood living with her Aunt Alma, she noticed that she had to act and be in certain ways if she wanted to be seen and heard. Otherwise, her aunt would ignore her.

Over time, Erika had gone through the necessary therapies and had generally managed to outgrow her dependence on her aunt’s approval. Through therapy, her difficulties in her marriage to Paul also gradually diminished. However, Paul and Erika usually slept in separate beds, because sleeping together was something that Erika found very difficult. Paul was sometimes restless in bed or would make noises that woke her up. Erika dreaded those interruptions because it was impossible for her to fall back asleep. The stress of losing hope of getting a good night’s sleep made it even harder for her to fall asleep.

Eventually, they found a solution. Paul was a sound sleeper, so Erika would climb into their joint bed once she had gotten the necessary hours of sleep in a different room. This way, she no longer worried that she wouldn’t get enough sleep and resent the relationship.

The story I want to tell you begins at a moment when Erika suddenly was faced with a relapse of her struggles that stemmed from her Substitute Sense-of-self-oriented System. She had the flu and had been out for a couple of days. But as she was recovering, she wasn’t aware that she had started again to hold on to strategies–that of needing approval, as she used to do before integrating what she had learned in her therapy sessions. Out of the blue, it seemed, Erika was intensely afraid that she would misbehave and react in an unfriendly way when Paul would wake her up early in the morning. Paul recently had a new job, and he was excited about it. Early that morning of his first working day, he enthusiastically stormed into her room to tell her he was off to work. It annoyed Erika and made her anxious at the same time, but she bit her lip and said nothing.

But when she went to bed that night, a nagging inner voice kept haunting her, saying: “He’ll do it again tomorrow, and you won’t be able to sleep for fear of reacting harshly”. She used to get very angry when something or someone woke her up, even accidentally. Avoiding getting angry had become an Ego-Reference for Erika. Aunt Alma’s reproaches were still reverberating in her head from when she was a young girl. “If you keep this persistent anger up, no man will want to stay and live with you”, were the words of her aunt that were carved in her memory.

Even though Erika knew these were words from her Internalized Parental Voice (IPV), (see Chapter 5, page 103) after a few good hours of sleep she woke up at about 4 AM to go to the bathroom. Then she remembered with a shock that, within a few hours, Paul would probably enter her room in a cheerful mood, just when she would finally have fallen asleep after the usual sleepless hours. This thought triggered her heart and mind to run wild as if she were being chased by a bloodthirsty tiger. She was deeply upset and anxious, even though she knew that all she had to do was kindly ask him not to come into her room that early. On the other hand, she also saw that Paul’s genuinely enthusiastic behavior was a precious thing, which she had to deal with carefully if she did not want to hurt his feelings.

All of these things used to run through her head after having been awake for a few hours. And then, at almost 7 o’clock she would finally fall asleep. Now, however, she remembered to practice her reconditioning routine for a better outcome. She had repeated it so often that her brain reproduced the sequence almost effortlessly.

What did Erika remember?

ACTIVITY 11.3A

Distill the elements in the following process description, imagining how they can be applied to your own situation. Use the italicized text as a key.

• Oh yeah, I remember! My fear is not about being mean to Paul but about ceasing to exist! (Fear of Annihilation)
• That means my attention isn’t focused on my own personhood, but on living up to conditions for validation and approval.
• I must be relapsing. This awareness made Erika change her state of panic to being gentle and understanding towards herself, and it will do the same for you.
• Okay, I get it, I am relapsing! That means I have forgotten that my fear isn’t really about losing my existence, but that it is about losing, or not being able to gain my Substitute Sense of Self. (A matter of life and death, remember?)
• That means I don’t have to be perfect because I don’t need to get my aunt’s approval or the approval of anyone else.
• I don’t always and every moment have to ‘Feel-good-about-myself’ to feel safe.
• I already am. I already exist, even when I’m not sleeping, I still exist. Even if I get annoyed or angry, I still exist. I do not lose my existence; I only lose the surrogate, the Substitute for my Self that I used to need because I had no Sense of my Self. All I lose is my SubSoS! And that is not even a real thing! How can I ever lose my Self now that I have a sense of my Self? I can’t!
• I have the wrong focus again! I have relapsed and am focusing on outside validation and approval again. I must switch focus now and reinstate awareness of my real, authentic, own personhood, of my own Self! I have to be with and in and about my Self in the Now. I have to snap out of this relapse and apply the Magic Formula (see the book, Chapter 15, page 320) and FEEL/SENSE MYSELF from the inside out.
• I feel my body between the sheets, my warmth, my weight. I feel my legs lying on my bed sheet; I move my feet, I wiggle my toes, and know that “Those toes are mine. I already exist and will continue to exist no matter what happens emotionally. I’ll keep going until it’s my time to go and that’s not up to me!”

How now do you translate this example to your own situation?

ACTIVITY 11.3B

You find out and describe your personal situation and challenges, and apply Erika’s new survival strategy, your new (Adult!) Survival Strategy, to yourself. Describe your situation as the examples below:

• I feel fear.
• I can’t sleep.
• I’m afraid I’m not good enough.
• I don’t look attractive enough.
• I’m too old-fashioned.
• I’m too modern.
• I don’t have enough money.
• I have too lousy a job.
• I’m too plain for anybody to like me
• I work way too hard.
• I’m too precise, etc.

List your own details here. What are your complaints about yourself? Now ask your Self the following questions:

• How do I look at myself?
• With whose eyes am I looking at myself?
• What do I think of this myself, with my own mind?
• Who is present on the screen of my mind?

Now focus on your “power” and feel yourself from the inside out. Surround yourself with your own energy. Put your hand over your heart and light that fire by taking a few deep breaths. Hold your breath for a moment, imagining that you are giving energy to your heart. Now acknowledge that that is your heart, your breath, your body, your life.

Without all those aspects of yourself, you wouldn’t exist. Isn’t that enough reason to love yourself? Find this Self-love, feel it. Love your body. Your body gives you the opportunity to do whatever you want.

ACTIVITY 11.4: An affirmation in 4 steps

• Focus on your breath. Do you feel your breath going deep inside? Now close your eyes and with your mind’s eye look at your body from head to toe and back again.
• Breathe slowly and deeply: 7 counts in – Hold your breath for 7 counts – exhale over 7 counts – and hold it again for 7 counts before you start the next cycle. This type of breathing calms your nervous system and brings your body into a calmer state. (Watch Video).
• Feel your body and say: “I already exist and will continue to exist no matter what happens… I’ll keep going until it’s my time to go and that’s not up to me!”
• Acknowledge the following statements and answer the questions:
  • I am a free person and do not need to earn anyone’s approval or validation.
  • What do I really think of it myself?
  • What do I really like? What makes me happy?
  • How can I make my life to my liking, and be happy?

Exercise 11.1: The Emergency Formula (Problem Solved!)

This formula helps you instantly to soothing your Fear of Annihilation

This formula helps you instantly to soothe your Fear of Annihilation.Read the exercise, as it is offered on the drawing, from bottom to top. This way you are starting from the most negative level and moving up to the zero point, the neutral zone. This is where you want to end up as you begin to climb the ladder on the positive level. On what level do you find yourself currently? As you are climbing further up the ladder and into the PLUS area, you enter the area where you can reach your Restored (Healthy) Sense of Self.

Follow the following formula to reach a Restored Sense of Self:

1. First determine what your self-diagnosis is. What issues are you struggling with because of your addiction to approval? Insomnia? Anger? Fear of rejection? Always in a hurry? Workaholic, alcoholic?
2. Once you know what you want to overcome, say to yourself: “I don’t need a ‘Good-feeling-about-myself’ all the time to feel safe.”
3. That addiction to “Feel-good” is, you now know, the equivalent of a Substitute Sense of Self. But what you want is a Healthy Sense of your Authentic Self. So, you aim at realizing “I feel/sense my body”. Get started on that.
4. Then say aloud: “Oh, I remember! I am not afraid to lose myself, but I am only afraid to lose my Substitute Sense of Self! The SubSoS is irrelevant anyway, so I can let it go!”
5. Say and convince yourself that there is “No need to be afraid of [blank]. I can be me just the way I am at each (good or bad) moment—no matter what!”

Exercise 11.2: The Magic Formula

The Magic Formula is the shortest way to get back to your Real Self. You can find its description in detail at the end of Chapter 15, page 320.

Quote from the Guided Journal to a Healthy Sense of Self

Day 34

A reconditioning journey
I am
first and foremost
a person.
That means
I am my very own unique,
independent,
autonomous human being.
First there is
“I AM”
then comes
“I do”
“I AM not my doing
though. . .
I need my BEING for doing.
Fortunately, I can just be
without doing”.

RECAP

Understanding what it takes to thoroughly recondition yourself is half the battle. Of course, you still need to do the work. Don’t be impatient because it takes time. You can’t stamp your feet and expect a flower to grow just because you want it. It is a natural process and Nature needs time, always. Wanting to destroy negative patterns sounds great in the mind, but your body will subconsciously defend those carefully chosen patterns that you once nurtured for your own survival.

Yes, by all means, go ahead and kill your autopilot, but know that you have to work very hard to establish and maintain your attunement to your Real Self. I did it so it can be done! Good luck to you! If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask for help. I am there for you!

Lesson 11 – Self-reflective Questions

• How does the Fear of Annihilation/Non-Existence manifest itself in your life? Label those moments so you can recognize them, e.g., “Oh, there it is again! I now know that I am afraid of not existing because I am unable to live up to certain conditions.”
• What mnemonics and techniques have you found that playfully remind you of the serious reconditioning work you must do to find yourself again?
• Who do you see when you look in the mirror? What’s your name? Who are you, what do you do and why do you do that? What do you want for yourself in life? (See page 286 in Chapter 14).

LOOKING AHEAD

In the next and final lesson, you are invited to consider your individual position in the bigger picture of the cosmic constellation you live in, in the Universe and All That IS. The purpose is to create a sense of relativity towards the human condition and our problems in general. Pondering the broader spectrum of it all has helped me a lot to see things from a healthier perspective. I hope that will be the case for you, too.

*IMPORTANT NOTE* All comments left on the course are PUBLIC to course takers and Healthy Sense of Self employees. If you would like to send a private comment please email antoinetta@healthysenseofself.com