Lesson 12: Living with a Healthy Sense of Self

Submodule 12

NOTE: For optimal understanding of the content from this and the following lessons, please refer to the book Healthy Sense of Self, the Secret to Being Your Best Self. In the lesson, references are made to details that are described in the book.

Overview

In this lesson, we zoom out and take a big-picture view of ourselves. As you dive into the topic of cosmic consciousness, you will ponder your place in the grand scheme of things and touch on the inevitable topic of death. But don’t worry, we’ll balance it out with some uplifting activities to restore your Sense of Self.

Cosmic Consciousness

For me, cosmic awareness is an ultimate wake-up call for the Authentic Self.

How does it work? Well, I suggest you start by looking at the horizon with your mind’s eye. It is evening, and the sun is setting in a deep orange hue. Soon, darkness will take over the sky. Then take a deep breath and face the reality that is valid for each and every one of us.

Someday, your body will tire out, and it’ll be time to depart from this world. It will be a permanent farewell because you’ll cease to exist. In the blink of an eye, you won’t experience any more days on Earth. Your lifetime will come to an end. But in this moment, right now, your body is still present, You exist in this moment!

Let’s shift focus to your soul. Isn’t it remarkable and somewhat mysterious that your soul inhabits the very body you are as well as possess, simultaneously? Do you feel/ sense your soul? Probably not, but you know that a body cannot exist without being inspired by something. Your spirit is being breathed into your body with every inhale. Your soul gives direction to your body and thus to your existence. When you really think about it, can you come to the conclusion that you actually owe it to your soul, or whatever it is that underlies your being and your life in this world, to listen carefully to its messages and desires?

I’m not suggesting that this is the time or place for religious reflection, but there is something that activates your body and keeps it going–aside from your brain… Do you believe it is your “soul?” If not, then what is it? Something that is entitled to quite a bit of respect, I would think, since it has the power to keep you on this earth. You are a cosmic creature that lives by the grace of the Laws of Nature. One rule of thumb of Nature is that each creature is to be him, her, or itself to earn the right of (prolonged) existence.

Food is another important aspect to be respected for the cultivation of a Healthy Sense of Self. You are/become what you eat, right? We’ve heard that a hundred times. That’s why it’s a good practice to eat “consciously” and (generally) eat what makes you feel better—not worse. Your body is a temple and is at the service of your soul. The more you nurture your body with healthy food and water, the healthier you keep your soul’s house/vehicle/body, and the happier your soul is. And you as well! Maybe a time will come when you can actually feel the frequency of your soul.

Now look yourself deep in the eyes in the mirror saying to your Self/Soul, “I know I exist!”

ACTIVITY 12.1: Create a Photo Collage of Yourself

Here’s a fun exercise for you to become even more convinced that you really do exist which should grow your Sense of Your Self.

Take out an old photo album and choose some of your very favorite photos. One when you were a newly born baby, a few from when you were a toddler, and gradually some pics from your early childhood. Then take pictures from when you were growing into an adolescent and line them up next to each other. Continue with this process for each stage of your life and into adulthood. With each photo, try to recall that feeling you had when it was taken. Whose feelings were those? Were they YOUR feelings? What happened that caused those feelings that were yours?

Reconstruct your past and notice where you took refuge in your head or your mind. As you do the exercise ask yourself what conclusions you made at different ages and stages and what sacred vows you pledged. Are they still in the interest of your (currently emerging) Authentic Self? Now draw your conclusions about what you must do to dismantle those harmful strategies. Set up a schedule of about three weeks in which you systematically bring these conclusions to your attention and start reconditioning yourself. If you do that with dedication and conviction, you can change even deep-seated patterns in your mind as opposed to what many people believe and preach. Day April 18 in the NA book: “Just For Today”* reads “Once we are entirely ready to have our character defects removed… It is truly humbling to realize that not only are we powerless over our addiction, but even over our own defects of character.”

*Just for Today Revised Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts (Copyright ©1991 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.).

Self-love Is the Key to a Magical Existence

(https://www.janosh.com)

You are worth an abundance of love, and you owe it to your sweet soul to incorporate self-love and self-care into your daily routine. It may seem that self-love is something you should naturally have, but that’s not necessarily true. Most of us have been accused, blamed, punished, rejected, neglected, or overlooked so many times throughout our lives that we have plenty of reasons to presume we did not live up to expectations and blame ourselves. Not only do we think that it’s normal and okay to criticize ourselves, but we are also our own worst critics, albeit to avoid the pain and shame of being blamed by others—especially those of us who are dependent on approval and who try to steer free from criticism.

Criticism is the biggest enemy of a Substitute Sense of Self, and it leaves us with feelings of being unseen or unheard despite having a physical presence. Avoiding pain skews our motivation, leading us to act from a place of Indirect Motivation. Consequently, we may find ourselves prioritizing pleasing others over pursuing activities that truly bring us joy and fulfilling necessary tasks.

ACTIVITY 12.2: Reconditioning Mantra – Give Love to Yourself

“I would love myself if I only had [blank] … “I’m afraid I’ll never be the person I wanted to be and thought I had to be.”

Does that way of thinking sound familiar to you? Here’s a healthy response to these kinds of statements: “I am now the person I have become and that means I exist as such. I am my only vehicle in this life. Therefore, I love myself with what I am and have right now.”

With positive affirmations like these, you can convince your brain that you are worthy the way you are. However, endless repetition is needed for this to become second nature. That is how it works.

Your experiences in the past may have been intense, but they allowed you to experience what adversity actually is: a mixture of good and bad, of right and wrong, of light and shadow. It allowed you to become aware of the illusions cast by your caregivers and authority figures during your upbringing. You are not a failure if you have problems or challenges that hinder you from being mainstream. Each individual lives in their own reality and no one can really know how or why another person experiences the world the way they do. Your world is yours and yours alone! Your life and who you are is a result of your upbringing, your temperament, and your circumstances and are things to be proud of and grateful for!

EXERCISE 12.1: Expressing Your Own Opinion

I have a challenge for you from here on out: I want you to speak out and say what you mean and what your own opinion is. Don’t try to keep everyone satisfied all the time. It’s okay to rock the boat. For this purpose, we have included in the High-level HySoS Package, the Guided Journal. If you open the book you can see that the text is on the left-hand page and the right-hand page is blank. That is where you need to express your own opinion on the topic of that day.

Change is inevitable

Life is constantly in motion. What once was IS no longer. What your “now” IS will be no more. Sometimes friendships and other relationships fall apart, even though you want to hold on tight to them. However, when the moment arrives and they depart, we must also let go, for such is the nature of life. At times, we may attribute blame to either ourselves or the other person, but in reality, the Universe, Cosmos, or God—the vast energetic network—may have intentions far beyond our understanding, or perhaps none at all. Who’s to say?

One thing that is certain is that change is constant! Your Sense of your Self is the only immutable factor in your existence. Your Self is the only solid pillar of support you can get in this life. And if you manage to conquer your Substitute SoS’s fear and self-limiting beliefs, you can handle anything life throws at you.

ACTIVITY 12.3

Create a list of the significant changes you’ve undergone, whether they were by choice or circumstance. Despite your body evolving over time, do you still identify with the “I” that experienced those changes? Who exactly is this “I” that has endured it all? While it may be a rhetorical question in this discussion, it’s certainly worth contemplating, wouldn’t you agree?

Education & Unconditional Love

When I talk about the necessity of unconditional love, I’m referring to raising your children as well as looking back on how you were raised. Take a moment to ask yourself to what extent unconditional love has been integrated into your own upbringing. What was the effect of the level at which you experienced it or not?

As I’ve mentioned before, everything is in a state of continual flux and ongoing change. The Earth rotates beneath our feet… so the target we’re striving for is always shifting. Consequently, we can never achieve precisely what we desire. In essence, it’s the journey that matters most. This holds particularly true in the upbringing of a child. That’s why an education that is flexible, open-minded, and grounded in authenticity enables a child to develop into their own individual, well-equipped to navigate a world that is constantly changing.

Improving your Sense of Self is an ongoing journey without a clear endpoint or final destination. Therefore, it’s crucial to remain focused on our goals. Unlike a job that comes with an eventual retirement, this work doesn’t have an expiration date, regardless of your age.

ACTIVITY 12.4: Life Skills to Learn

Below is a list of life skills that have rarely been taught or acknowledged as such. I strongly believe that implementing and embracing these principles will immediately dispel false expectations, leading you and your children to thrive throughout life’s journey. Take a look at the following “truths”:

• Life encompasses opposites that extend beyond the assumption that good and beautiful are standard while bad and ugly are considered wrong.
• Learn to deal with those opposites by being firmly in the saddle of your Self.
• Learn to surf the waves of life. Make sure you are flexible, but well-balanced as much as possible on all fronts (Haptonomy!).
• Understand that there will be times when you stumble—be prepared to relax and brace yourself.
• Learn to bounce back from failure. If a plan or course of action fails, move on to the next idea. Or try again.
• Live from your heart (see the Bonus Lesson).
• “Draw out” of your Self and share with others, your own and/or your children’s true essence (Explanation based on the Latin “educere”).
• Dismantle any kind of performance pressure, instead, favor following your intuition and being in the Now. Stop creating agendas that pin you down in a pattern you didn’t create for yourself (but served to earn a Substitute SoS).
• Learn about the financial, political, and economic realities of our world. Learn about business, food (and where it comes from), logistics and maintenance of your home and garden, and of course of yourself.

A day from the diary to a Healthy Sense Of Self

Day 74

Restored Sense of Self
If you
have known a Restored Sense of Self*
to reach, you can finally
(again) play
and enjoy life.
Go play an instrument,
go sing, play sports,
go for a walk or visit a beautiful city,
help a friend,
spend time with your family…
or write a book.
Now you finally understand why people can be so happy,
because now you can do it too!

ADDENDUM:

Opinions of HySoS and other Thought-Leaders on various topics

Story (HySoS): Erika and Paul sometimes wonder if they are doing well staying together. They don’t have a rationale for it but feel there’s more to their relationship than creating the best possible situation. Through their confrontations, they’ve learned an incredible amount about themselves and each other. They have learned to see each other as a mirror. If something goes wrong, it is ultimately just a message of the Higher Energetic Intelligence to teach them something. The event itself is actually a byproduct of the growth of their partnership.

Existential Kink: Sometimes, we perpetuate all kinds of negative situations because we take an interest in them somewhere deep within ourselves. This is something Carolyn Elliot, Ph.D. talks about in her book Existential Kink. (http://carolyngraceelliott.com/philosophy).

Anatomy of the Spirit – Carolyn Myss: Life is complex but not everything is what it seems when you look at it from the inside out. If you’re able to see things more symbolically, Carolyn Myss says in her book Anatomy of the Spirit (https://www.myss.com), unconditional love is easier to experience.

Surrender to the Flow: Life is what it is, and if you live “in the flow” and trust that things are not happening against you, but rather for you, there is a feeling of peaceful resignation. From this place, you can live as yourself! And remember, you only have one chance, so why not get it right for yourself in this lifetime?

Playful Living: Rather than constant hard work in the hope that, at some point, it will lead to satisfaction, I’ve discovered that playfully following your heart and moving toward your deepest desire leads to more happiness. Many books have been written and online programs developed about this topic. Once you have seen, felt, and recognized yourself as “truly yourself” in the HERE and NOW, and understood that NOW is the only thing you can be sure of, then things like the “Law of Attraction,” and other spiritual insights and experiences are potential next steps. If psychedelics interest you, know that a Healthy Sense of Self provides you with a good foundation to enter this world of healing. I believe ultra-informative journeys with mushrooms, ayahuasca, or even MDMA can be a most helpful tool on your journey toward Self-realization.

Incarnation Consciousness: Knowing consciously that you are living in a miracle body makes you thoroughly realize that you exist as your own person and not as an extension of someone else. To evoke the feeling of total sovereignty within your Self, start by focusing on the fact that you became flesh and blood in the womb. Your mind is then transformed into matter to form your complex brain. Then, when we die, the body shuts down growth and eventually disintegrates back into the earth.

As you experience your body more consciously through practice, there comes a time when you become fully aware that you are indeed (already) full of life and energy. That’s the ultimate proof that you “already exist” and that you don’t have to do anything else to prove your worth as a human being. You are enough, and you don’t have to earn approval or validation from anyone else.

When you realize this and something clicks in your brain, the fear of Annihilation/ Non-Existence, which was based on your Early Childhood Survival Strategy to ensure that you would receive the necessary loving attention, is dismantled forever. And with it also the Fear of the Fear of Annihilation.

When it all boils down, it’s not up to you to decide whether you will exist or not (to be or not to be!), whether you will be dead or alive. And certainly not to anyone else! When you can feel this, all those conditions that hold you captive fall away to let you go free to live your life, as you please. In your freedom, you no longer have to fiddle with all your fears and obstacles, but you can do what you like, what makes you happy, what you feel you’re called to do!

There are various levels on which to experience your Self. Here is a diagram of how a Sense of Self works and also where its development may have gone wrong. In Chapter 16 of the Sense of Self-book (VS 2022), you’ll find a description of how the Self is made up of 6 different layers.

The first layer, the unconscious or Spiritual Self, is present at birth. The final layer is, if all goes well, after a lifetime of experiences that strengthened your consciousness, the Conscious Spiritual Self. Then the cycle of life is complete, the purpose fulfilled.

Layers 2, 3, 4, and 5 describe the tools that may bring about this transformation: the Embodied Self (incarnation) (2), the Awakening Self-consciousness (3), Psycho- emotional functions (4), and the Social Self (5). If you want to read more about it, check out the book.

The Layers of the Self

There are various levels on which to experience your Self. Here is a diagram of how a Sense of Self works and also where its development may have gone wrong. In Chapter 16 of the Sense of Self-book (VS 2022), you’ll find a description of how the Self is made up of 6 different layers.

The first layer, the unconscious or Spiritual Self, is present at birth. The final layer is, if all goes well, after a lifetime of experiences that strengthened your consciousness, the Conscious Spiritual Self. Then the cycle of life is complete, the purpose fulfilled.

Layers 2, 3, 4, and 5 describe the tools that may bring about this transformation: the Embodied Self (incarnation) (2), the Awakening Self-consciousness (3), Psycho-emotional functions (4), and the Social Self (5). If you want to read more about it, check out the book.

To have a better understanding of how complicated we actually are, it’s a good idea to watch the videos about “the layers of the Self.”

• Video 1: Watch Video 1
• Video 2: Watch Video 2

Feeling truly alive comes from within. Have you ever gazed attentively at the grandeur of the sea or the beauty of a mountain landscape at sunset? You most likely took out your phone to take a photo. As humans, we want so badly to carry serene and magical moments like this with us forever. Why? Because we want to feel peaceful and happy and share that feeling with others. But, as you know, being happy all the time is impossible. But we do know that when you turn your focus inward, you can feel how beauty opens your heart and brings feelings of happiness to life. It is the focus on your heart, on your chest, and in your arms that can encompass feelings of bliss.

ACTIVITY 12.5: Dismantle the Fear of Annihilation

Let’s get to the point now with the description of an effective way to cut a moment of Fear of Annihilation short. Below you’ll find the Dismantle Fear of Annihilation Exercise to help you with this.

Question: What is the most common trigger for Fear of Annihilation? And what can you do to dispel this fear?

Triggers are different for everyone. For me, I felt unseen and unworthy whenever I had an argument or disagreement with someone. If the person’s voice would sound threatening to me or if their eyes would look at me in a certain way. And as I am describing this, I know, the source of this was, unfortunately, my mother.

What about you?

• Think about what may trigger you to feel as if you don’t exist. How does that feel in your body?
• Describe what you’re feeling out loud to yourself.

When it happened to me, I felt my body contract as if it was shrinking. It seemed as if all my muscles were stiffening, my brain shut down, and I couldn’t think anymore. Something started to tingle in my brain, and I could feel my heart pounding in my body. My nervous system felt shaking and I would shiver. I would hold it together on the outside, but see here what was going on in my body. I tried to avoid conflict at all costs, squirming and stammering excuses and justifications. It is difficult for me to explain my feelings when my body reacts in this way. All I wanted to do was escape the situation, by hiding under the table or running out the door.

To do: Now describe what is happening in your body as you argue with another person.

• What kind of reaction do you have?
• What do you do to get out of this intense situation?
• Or maybe fear of conflict is not your issue. Then what is?

When you find yourself in the phase in which you already have a stronger Sense of Self, there is something you have to be aware of. What I am referring to is that when you are in distress as described above, you should always first do a check.

Is the behavior of the other person that triggers you, really as unfriendly as you experience it, or is your experience of it aggravated because, without knowing it, you have relapsed and are afraid of feeling Annihilated (read: losing your Substitute SoS)?

In that case, it may very well be that, unknowingly, you blame the other person for not cooperating with you, in that all you want is to maintain your “Feel-good” (Substitute SoS) and feel safe. After all, we now know that this is a matter of life and death.

ACTIVITY 12.6: The Iron Formula to Move from a Lack of SOS to a Healthy Sense of Self

There is a special formula that can help you quickly restore your Sense of Self. With the following formula, you should be able to step out of your Fear instantly. It is the fastest form I can think of to get from a Lack of Sense of Self and the Fear of Annihilation to a Healthy (Restored) Sense of Self.

There are three levels to the formula. For each one, you have to develop an expertise of sorts, which you should be able to do with ease. However, the tricky part is that you need to develop all three of them to be able to make progress. The first level, the foundation, is the most difficult because then you have not yet acquired knowledge in any of the other areas. But you have to start somewhere, right? Here we go…

• Start with what is currently relevant in your life. If it is Fear, you start in column 1.
• If it is Undesirable behavior, you start in column 2.
• Is it that you wonder what Self actually is and how it feels? Then you start in Column 3.

So, there is no preference, but it is important that you simultaneously work yourself up in the other columns, so that you gather knowledge that can help you make more progress in the desired column and your process in general.

(Read also the italic section in Chapter 12 p. 265 beginning with “It is impossible to Live in a Vacuum” and The Magic Walking Stick, p. 229).

NOTE 1

Even if you “Feel-good-about-yourself,” it is of the utmost importance to recognize and analyze your motives for feeling so good. In both states, an (excessive) Good Feeling and an (excessive) Bad Feeling are symptoms of a dependence on a Substitute Sense of Self. Why do you “Feel-good-about-yourself”? Is the feeling related to something score-related or is it simply because this is a feeling-good that is not related to any dependency on approval?

NOTE 2

Also, please note that there is a big difference between understanding something intellectually and accepting it emotionally. To bridge those two ways of being, it is important that you are present with your real Self.

Final Directions for Your Unique and Utmost Solitary Journey of Life, How to Go from No SoS, via Artificial Sense of Self, to Your True Self.

The way to find your true Self is to, initially, “reconstruct” it. Through targeted exercises that yield even small experiences, you collect information that gets glued together, forming a sort of Sense of Self. This kind of artificial SoS then eventually becomes natural.

Walking on Alone

In the awareness of the finiteness of our lives, we may get a different perspective on life’s “problems,” even if only every now and then. Ask yourself, if there could be a collective, common root to our individual problems. You might discover that it is a way of our Higher Power (Nature, or as you see it) to confront us with ourselves and give us the opportunity to make refinements to our ways of being in the world. This can lead us to take a new path, which may start as a complex maze. Of course, I won’t be able to join you on your journey through this maze, because ultimately, it is up to each of us to explore the path that leads to our full potential and true purpose. I sincerely hope that this course has helped you to feel more comfortable in your own skin. It was my goal to have you build a strong foundation for experiencing your Self directly and in a healthy way. I wish you well on your life’s journey!

Recap

Now that you have been confronted with life’s ultimate challenges you may have gained a healthier perspective on your quest and the necessity to become real with your own existence. YOU only have one life and only one chance to make it be about your own incarnated soul, your Self. You have been given a few options to pursue more healing and/or have fun playing with. Before moving on to the Bonus Lesson, please take your time to review the questions to better integrate the learned material.

Below you’ll find the three questions to check if you have a good understanding of the concepts of lesson 12:

1. How can contemplation on your cosmic being and death help in the development or restoration of your Sense of Self?
2. Why is it so important to have a healthy degree of self-love?
3. What tools do you have available now to increase your self-love and make it healthy?

Lesson 12 – Self-reflective Questions

The following questions may help you deepen your understanding. You are invited to apply the concepts of Lesson 12 to your own life. Reflect on your place in the Universe and the inevitable end of that situation.

• Right now, your existence is real, and being compelled to acknowledge various conditions can feel like being trapped within your own self. Can you describe what that experience looks like for you?
• How would you live your life if you were to love yourself 100%?
• What would you most like to have experienced when you grew up so that you would be in a healthier situation now?

LOOKING AHEAD

Below you will find some allegations toward choosing a different attitude or point of departure in life. One that is currently gaining in popularity is that our rational brain’s reign has to come to an end. In the bonus lesson, we explore some new healing approaches as well.

*IMPORTANT NOTE* All comments left on the course are PUBLIC to course takers and Healthy Sense of Self employees. If you would like to send a private comment please email antoinetta@healthysenseofself.com