Lesson 5: Are you using your life to prove that you are okay?

Submodule 5

Are you using your life to prove that you are OK?
One of the objectives of the SoS Course is to help you identify certain unfavorable processes that take place on a subconscious level. These processes are not self-serving, but they can lie at the root of many of your life choices without you being aware of it. Labeling these processes allows you to first recognize them and then to see a pattern emerge. This leaves you in a position to find out exactly what it is that drives you to do or avoid certain things. After you’ve confirmed what these ultimate motivators are, you have the option to make different choices—of your own free will—if change is needed or desired.

Unit 5 introduces two of these labels. One is called Ego-References and the other is Vehicles. They point to patterns of behavior that have not been consciously identified by you as coming from Indirect Motivation; possibly patterns that can keep you preoccupied without you even being aware of it.

The BENEFITS of gaining a Healthy Sense of Self are:

• Feeling comfortable in your own skin
• Ability to self-realize and live life to the fullest
• A better balance of head and heart; genuine and integrated feelings

WATCH THE VIDEO FIRST

Video Transcript available here

GLOSSARY

For your convenience, here is a downloadable/printable PDF Glossary, or you may visit the Glossary on our website. (Note that the glossary on the website includes some additional terms not addressed in this course, and contains links to extended and more detailed information on each term.)

NEW SoS TERMS

• Ego-References (EgoRefs)
• Vehicles

Definition: Ego-References

Subconsciously accepted requirements to feel and behave in certain ways and achieve certain results in order to feel approved of, as a substitute for feeling like a “real” person.

Ego-References are self-imposed conditions or requirements that are based on your attempts, as a very young child, to be acknowledged and truly seen and related to by your caregivers—to be accepted as a potentially independent person, with a right to live as yourself. Decisions about how you should behave and what you should do to please your parent(s) are what later became your Early Childhood Survival Strategy, which is stored in your subconscious (see Unit 3).

Over time, living up to these (self-imposed) conditions becomes compulsive, because they serve your need to get approval in lieu of acknowledgment. In reality, the only result you get from living up to these conditions is the limited satisfaction of temporary approval.

Where does the word come from?

“Ego” is another word for the identity that we refer to when we say “I.” So you could say it is a kind of “I-reference,” for those who lack the real “I-experience.” Ego-References typically form the foundation for the Self-experience of a person with Indirect Motivation, and thus with a lack of Sense of Self. The variety in which they show up depends on each individual’s personal circumstances.

Here are a few examples:

• I have to stand out from the crowd
• I must never complain about anything to anyone.
• I always have to be on time.
• I always have to sleep well.
• I always have to be in good spirits when I get up in the morning.
• I have to be slender and look good.

These are but a few possible Ego-References a person can adopt. There are too many to name, and they will be different for each person depending on the preferences of that child’s early caregivers and each individual’s personal circumstances.

Definition: Vehicle

An activity or behavior used to display the performance of specific skills or character traits rather than being used for the obvious, ordinary goal of the action or behavior. The performance is ultimately aimed at getting approval.

Ego-References are then self-imposed requirements aimed at convincing our caregiver that we can be who they want us to be or do what they want us to do. And these Ego-References need a carrier action or behavior to demonstrate the specific aspect we want to show off to get that certain outcome (approval). That carrier action or behavior is what we refer to as the Vehicle. So Vehicles are the means to the end of performing an Ego-Reference. They carry the EgoRef until it is realized, at which point, if the Ego-Reference was successful, approval is experienced (temporarily).

Because approval is temporary, we are continuously looking for opportunities for our Vehicles to perform or demonstrate that we can “do it” or “be it” in any given moment. In fact, great fear—even terror—can be experienced when we are not able to function fully, which consequently prohibits us from being able to succeed at an EgoRef; for example, by not sleeping, by being sick, or by not being well prepared for a performance or task.

Each Ego-Reference can have a variety of possible Vehicles and employ different ones at different times.

Examples of Vehicles include:

The following are examples of situations that are opportunities for the use of a Vehicle to display the EgoRef.

• As a Vehicle to display the EgoRef that you are able to “not be angry” you may use a situation in which you are swallowing your anger or upset when wronged.
• As a Vehicle for the EgoRef: “I can’t be average; I have to stand out from the crowd,” you may use any situation to be the first one to ask/answer questions or volunteer to do an activity even if you are uncomfortable with it.
• A Vehicle for the EgoRef: “I must make sure that I can show that I am good enough to live up to her conditions,” can lead you to the situation of always ending up choosing difficult people to work with.
• Vehicles for the EgoRef: “I always have to be on time” can function every time you are going to an appointment or event that requires timely arrival. And getting excessively stressed and worked up if it turns out you are late is the proof of it functioning as an EgoRef. (More on this in QoL level experiences in Unit 9)
• As a Vehicle for the EgoRef: “I always have to be in good spirits” you can use specific tasks that allow you to show off that you are in good spirits, for example bringing flowers for someone even if you do not see the point yourself, dressing up nicely even if you don’t feel like it. You could get in touch with your true preferences in these situations if you would ask your self — but the problem is you don’t ask your self.
• As a Vehicle for the EgoRef: “I must make sure not appear selfish” we may use specific actions or behaviors with which we can demonstrate being overly helpful (and expect approval and validation) as the occasion presents itself.

These examples of Vehicles could refer to actions done for simple and obvious reasons, which would make them Directly Motivated. However, if we sense a compulsive need to perform them, we might have found a symptom of Indirect Motivation.

It is this sense of compulsion together with more extreme amounts of stress we experience that indicates that these actions or behaviors are being used as Vehicles to get an EgoRef temporarily satisfied.

One very important point about Ego-References is that they are rarely performed to the degree of perfection that would ordinarily happen if the task were done for healthy reasons. Because so much is perceived to be at stake in doing them well, the amount of stress and anxiety is very high, and paradoxically this interferes with the quality of the performance!

Ego-References come forth from conclusions made in early childhood and overtime they formed our Early Childhood Survival Strategy. EgoRefs all have to do with the perception of the need to improve our selves but not for our own sake! They are based on subconscious conclusions we made in the past (as children), but can still be operating, in our present adult lives.

Vehicles are actions or behaviors that we display—that come up during specific events, or circumstances—not because of the obvious goal, but because we want to show off our improvements of particular characteristics (Ego-References) or behaviors that we then hope will gain us approval, initially from our caregiver. This is what Indirect Motivation is all about.

Although Vehicles are (also) tasks and situations that are part of everyday living (see QoL Unit 9), on a subconscious level we use them to demonstrate that we can do it or we can be it.

A Vehicle then is an action or behavior that is chosen (subconsciously) as a specific way to perform one of our Ego-References.

An example: If your Ego-Reference is “to be on time (this time!)” and the occasion to show that you can do this is your doctor’s appointment, your doctor’s appointment is the Vehicle.

Reiteration And Conclusion

From the time you are born, you watch what goes on around you and pick up clues about what it takes to survive and to be seen and approved of by your caregivers. If you do not get the positive acknowledgment required for developing a Natural Sense of Self, your need for getting approval (in place of that acknowledgment) can grow to the point of desperation.

Possibly, even before you acquire language, you realize what it takes to get by in your family systems. When you sense your developmental needs are not being met in a healthy way, you make sure that you get them met in a different way. Certain behaviors, thusly chosen, later become part of your identity. When you are unable to develop a (healthy) sense of your Self, you adopt ways of behaving to gain acceptance from the people you believe you need approval from (ECSS).

But there is a difference between truly living one’s life for the experience of it, and wasting the precious gift of life trying to prove that you are not as bad as you perceive. Identifying that difference is crucial, as it may give you your life back.

Try to discover, in yourself, specific ways of doing or being that cause you a lot of stress when you fail to do them just right. If you can discover one, chances are you have discovered one of your Ego-References.

Have you ever contemplated the possibility that you are not really living your own life? That your life could be a performance aimed at being seen in a particular way so you can feel accepted and approved of—to fill an inner void?

GUIDING QUESTIONS

• List whatever it is that makes you feel “okay” in the eyes of others.
• What Vehicles do you use to perform this behavior?

READING

Here is the selected reading for Unit 5 of the course.

• Healthy Sense of Self, How to be true to your Self and make your world a better place!
• Also available on Amazon is the revised edition (2023) under the title: “Healthy Sense of Self, The Secret to Being Your Best Self”

ACTIVITY

What Vehicles might be supporting your Ego-References?

For this activity, pull up that list you created in Unit 1. You will be looking again at the things you do, and thinking more deeply about them this time. The goal of this activity is to discover: What is the absolute bottom line for WHY you do WHAT you do? In other words, what is your root Motivation?

This unit is entitled “Are you using your life to prove that you are okay?” This is the focal point for the following activity.

While working on this task, keep in mind that Indirect Motivation is prompted by Ego-References and that there needs to be a means to allow the EgoRefs to be carried out in real-time. We call these means “Vehicles.”

Step 1: Choose one item from your list and think about it further now. Answer the following questions:

• What do you think your true motivation is?
• What do you perceive to be at stake?

Step 2: As you review your list, contemplate what possible Ego-References and Vehicles might be present for you. Which items have become so important that they must be done at all costs?

Step 3: Pick an item from your list that you feel highly motivated to do well and often. Imagine failing at it or giving it up altogether.

• What feelings surface when you imagine either scenario?
• What are you really trying to achieve by doing that activity or behavior as well as you feel you must?
• What is in it for you?
• What do you think the consequences of failure or giving it up would be?

QUOTE FROM THE GUIDED JOURNAL

Day 36

For us who want to be seen and heard:
When you have a Lack of Sense of Self
you are just running around trying to live up
to all the conditions you have imposed on yourself . . .
because at some point you thought
that by being just “so” or doing more of “that”
your caregiver might look at you in a more positive way and even “see” you.

RECAP

This unit was about understanding what the HySoS Method refers to as Ego-References and the Vehicles used to accomplish them. You were asked which characteristics and behaviors you could identify that possibly function as an EgoRef or a Vehicle and which might add suffering and anxiety to your life.

LOOKING AHEAD

In the next unit, we will investigate what else might be going on when you try to achieve Ego-References through Vehicles. What is it that drives you to crave approval? We will look at the concept of “Feel-good-about-self” and find out that, as simple as it sounds, there is a whole lot more to it.

*IMPORTANT NOTE* All comments left on the course are PUBLIC to course takers and Healthy Sense of Self employees. If you would like to send a private comment please email antoinetta@healthysenseofself.com