Lesson 6 Review Answers

Submodule 6

Question 1) How does a Hidden Agenda and Hidden Goal relate to Indirect Motivation?

Indirect Motivation means that you’re doing things for other than the obvious reasons, with the actual purpose being the realization of your Hidden Agenda: proving that you are good enough after all.

The use of Indirect Motivation serves as a tool to help you reach your ultimate Hidden Goal, through tackling an Ego-Reference and fulfilling its Hidden Agenda.

That ultimate Hidden Goal is initially to try to get your parent to confirm your existence as a-potentially-independent-but-nevertheless-valuable-son-or-daughter. But since your parent is unable to play an adequate part in that process you end up having to settle for approval.

Question 2) What is the actual sensation of experiencing this approval-based state of “Feeling-good-about-self”?

In the SoS Method the “Feel-good-about-self” state does not indicate a state in which you feel happy or so, although that can be the case but this term refers to the experience of a moment of temporary relief from the compulsion to perform to perfection and live up to the high standards of your parent/caregiver. This includes a temporary relief from the urge to make that person “Feel-good-about-you” so you can get his/her approval.

Question 3) Which phase comes next?

Due to the absence of a Healthy Sense of Self there is an inner emptiness that needs to be filled. A ”Feel-good-about-self” state fills that hole and functions as an artificial Sense of Self. That is why the need to reach that state is experienced as a matter of life and death and has become compulsory.

So, after a short period of relief, the urge to prove that “you can do it,” or “that you are capable of performing in that specific way that pleases your parent” returns.

“Feeling-good-about-self” is a state that can be achieved through anything:

• Having accomplished something that potentially qualifies for approval,
• Satisfying an Ego-Reference, or, for example,
• A positive encounter with your parent that gives you a brief moment of feeling wrapped in his or her attention.

Question 4) How can you change your old patterns of thought and behavior?

First you need to be able to identify those old patterns of thought and behavior. Once you discover that they are all about getting approval that makes you “Feel-good-about-yourself” then take the next step, which is:

• To make a list of the ways in which you usually are satisfying this need for approval, which most likely is through performing your Ego-References.
• Then find out what your Hidden Agendas is with each one of these Ego-References.
• This will give you insight in what your ultimate Hidden Goal actually is.
• Now you may discover that this goal no longer serves you.

This can become your moment of truth in which you will be ready to let go of what used to be your Hidden Goal in favor of a-purpose-in-your-life of your own choosing.

Q5) What is a good way to get started with questioning your motives?

You can start by asking yourself the well-known question: WHY do I do what I do?

In other words: Monitor what motivates you during the course of your day, and recognize how these motivations are influencing your present reality.

Then reflect on the following question: Where does the urge to comply with all those rules and to live up to those conditions come from?

Are these rules and conditions really based on your own insights? If you come to the conclusion that this is not the case, decide to “reprogram” your subconscious mind.

You do this by rethinking all these inherited criteria and opinions, but this time by thinking with your own mind and letting your own heart speak. Let your voice and the expression of your emotion break through! And, above all, be honest with yourself.