Lesson 6: The need to “Feel-good-about-yourself” can be compulsive

Submodule 6

The need to “Feel-good-about-self” can be compulsive
Every person has the right to live life as their Self, and this course was intentionally designed to enable you to reset your mental and emotional “operating system.” The process of reconditioning allows you to do the following three things:

• Find the driving force behind your current behavior and acknowledge how it is influencing your current reality. In other words, find an answer to the question: “Where, exactly, do the incentives to live up to certain rules and conditions originate?”
• Verify and, if necessary, acknowledge that the rules you apply to your life and the conditions you use as criteria to reach the “Feel-good-about-self” state are not (always) based on your own values or opinions.
• Recondition your Self to think with your own mind and feel with your own heart; let your own voice and self-expression break through.

This course offers insight into the processes that may be at play within yourself. That way you can get to know yourself better and consciously make changes that stick!

Some of us have been condemned to a life of addiction to approval, which results in the constant need to work frantically to gain the desired outcome of activities and performances. It may feel as if your life depends on it. If this applies to you, and you are eager to turn that situation into a healthier one, it is necessary to recognize and take an inventory of the ways in which YOU aim to get your needs met.

Unit 6 introduces a few processes that contribute to the subconscious drama at play in those with a Lack of SoS. These processes are not obvious, but if you pay attention you can recognize their presence by identifying certain symptoms:

• Continuous self-evaluation and/or self-judgment
• The ever-present motivation to “try harder” and succeed at all cost
• Difficulty sensing what is realistic and/or practical

We will show you how to shift from being (solely) focused on reaching your Hidden Goal (approval and “Feeling-good-about-self”) to focusing on what YOU want your life to be like, based on your own conscious decisions.

The graph below illustrates the sequence of the concepts we have dealt with so far.

Understanding and identifying these particular processes within ourselves is necessary to overcome them.

The BENEFITS of gaining a Healthy Sense of Self are:

• Lower divorce rate
• Sense your own limitations, boundaries, potential, and talents
• Less violence and verbal abuse
• Less war

WATCH THE VIDEO FIRST!

Video Transcript available here.

GLOSSARY

For your convenience, here is a downloadable/printable PDF Glossary, or you may visit the Glossary on our website. (Note that the glossary on the website includes some additional terms not addressed in this course, and contains links to extended and more detailed information on each term.)

NEW SoS TERMS

• Hidden Agenda / Hidden Goal
• “Feel-good-about-self”(Fgas)

Definition: Hidden Agenda

A subconscious purpose that drives your actions or behavior, which is not the obvious, ordinary, expected purpose but the demonstration of the ability to perform an Ego-Reference to perfection, as a path to feel safe and on your way to achieving your Hidden Goal.

Your earliest experiences with your mother and father either put you in the fortunate position of learning life skills from them or in a situation in which they forced you to spend that time studying your caregivers to learn the behaviors that made it likely for you to get your needs met—being seen and accepted by them and feeling affirmed in your existence. This is what lies at the root of developing Direct or Indirect Motivation, (see Unit 4 for review).

An agenda is a list of things to be done. In general, your agenda behind doing or avoiding certain things coincides with the usual result of your action or behavior. Here is an example: “I clean the car because I like my car to be nice and shiny.”

In many cases, you have an agenda attached to certain actions, and that agenda is not so obvious: “I clean my dad’s car because I want to surprise him.”

The Hidden Agenda referred to in the SoS Method is comparable with the latter example, only it works on a more existential level. That is, if the goal of “cleaning my dad’s car” is not only to surprise him, but to gain approval, change his opinion about you from negative to positive, and make him truly see you, which obviously, he has not been able to do so far.

Your Hidden Agenda is the real motive for your Ego-Reference (EgoRef); however, an EgoRef is not tangible, and you cannot work on or “perform” an EgoRef without having a carrier (Vehicle) for it (see Unit 5 for review).

The action or behavior that is the carrier for the EgoRef, is not done solely for the obvious motive but is merely an excuse to perform the Ego-Reference.

In many instances the action or behavior that functions as the carrier for the EgoRef, including its Hidden Agenda, is something that needs to be done anyway:
“I need to keep track of my money.” If being responsible for money is one of your EgoRefs, your Hidden Agenda will consist of doing it so well that, ideally, “my dad changes his opinion about me” and you glue that agenda onto the action that needs to be done anyway.

The behavior becomes a carrier, a Vehicle, for the EgoRef. It is not done for the sake of itself, but rather it is mainly done to reach your Hidden Agenda, which, in its turn, is meant to help realize your Hidden Goal (see explanation below).

The action is, therefore, likely to induce an excessive amount of stress, causing you to feel that you need to track your money at all costs (before you can even begin to “Feel-good-about-yourself”).

Another example: “I wash my car not because I want it to be clean but because tomorrow I will be visiting my parents. I know how they value a clean car; I need to do everything I can to get them to approve of me.”

Even if you never succeed in permanently changing your caregiver’s opinion about you, that vibe of approval makes you “Feel-good-about-self,” which then functions as a virtual spine.

When a Sense of Self was never developed, you generate these Hidden Agendas to help you achieve that state of “Feeling-good-about- yourself.” In that case, your actions are not what they seem but instead have become a performance that serves to get you your much-needed approval. First from your caregivers, and then from the authority figures that have taken in their places throughout your life.

What is your priority then? You work to realize your Hidden Agenda because realizing your Hidden Goal is perceived as a matter of life and death.

Living to serve the Hidden Goal means making sure that you do things perfectly, that you behave perfectly, so you are not rejected. Living like this can be seen as your way of making yourself feel relatively safe. It is a way that helps you counter the anxiety of feeling as if you are regarded as a “ghost with a body,” a being who is present but who has no voice and no impact on your environment.

Definition: Hidden Goal

Your subconscious ultimate objective of getting the approval of your caregiver. This approval functions as an unhealthy substitute for feeling valued and related to (acknowledged) as a “real” person.

Note: This Hidden Goal is valid only when there is an emotional emergency and need for attention and approval, due to feeling as if you have not been seen and heard as a “real” person with your own voice. This condition makes you dependent on earning, over and over again, the approval and acceptance of those specific people whose approval you need to feel safe (Fgas). Primarily the people that should have facilitated and supported you in developing a sense of your own Self early in life.

When you were little, and as you grew up, watching, evaluating, and judging: What was going on between your parents and yourself (and perhaps your siblings)? Some part of you was smart enough to recognize what your caregiver really wanted you to do or to be.

What were they really after when they told you to do or avoid certain things? Were they really concerned about you or were they more self-concerned? Did they maybe want to fulfill their own Hidden Agendas and Goals?

Often our caregivers weren’t even aware of their Hidden Agendas, and while they didn’t intend it, their agendas might have been adopted by you. All you wanted was to gain their approval, so you did your best to give them what THEY needed, rather than paying attention to what YOU needed.

During our youth, we learned that this temporary sense of validation gained through approval made us feel that “you were allowed to be.” This feeling functioned as our virtual spine in the absence of our own Natural Sense of Self. Without internal support from that natural virtual spine, we felt as if we were not like everybody else. We needed the confirmation of “Yes, you’re okay” to make us feel safe. Getting that feeling then became our Hidden Goal, and it was experienced as being of life-or-death importance.

Definition: “Feel-good-about-self” (Fgas)

The temporary emotional state (or thought) of relative well-being and safety based on the absence of feeling compelled to produce certain results at all cost, which is gained from accomplishing what leads to approval and serves as an unhealthy substitute for a sincere sense of being alive as a real person.

Maybe you know those fleeting moments of self-satisfaction that don’t feel as hearty or wholesome as they could. Those moments of temporary relief from the need to perform that you feel you must recreate repeatedly? Do you maybe already know the compulsion one can have to make a specific person feeling okay with you at all costs, the absolute need to receive their approval or acknowledgment? That compulsion is driven by the need to “Feel-good-about-self,” to prove that “I am okay.”

“Feel-good-about-self” is a subtle state experienced as a short period of relative safety and therefore as feeling more relaxed.

It can also be thought of as a few moments of positive self-evaluation, a “Thinking-good-about-self,” if you will.

It ranges from being excited about the outcome of some achievement or about a positive encounter with your parent, to feeling temporarily relieved of the strain of having to perform your life to perfection. You were able to come close to living up to the high standards you set for your (inauthentic) self. Even as an adult, you imagine your parent(s) would be pleased with you, or you may actually receive proof of their approval in real-time.

This SoS term “Feel-good-about-self” refers to the moment of a temporary respite from anxiety and terror that are always present in a person with a lack of SoS. A person who is always anticipating a moment in which they will not be able to live up to their Ego-References will consequently feel as if they do not have the right to exist.

The term “Feel-good-about-self” is meant to convey the absence of a negative, which feels relatively good, but not really. This “Feeling-good-about-self” is in sharp contrast to feeling bad about self, which implies feelings of shame or inadequacy in some vague way. “Feeling-good-about-self” is a moment in which the turbulence of working hard to get the desired result and the anxiety around not achieving that result is momentarily suspended.

The healthy alternative for “Feeling-good-about-self” is feeling (truly) alive!

GUIDING QUESTIONS

• Are there any activities that cause you to feel highly self-conscious?
• Can you begin to envision a Hidden Goal in your life?
• How often do you think you have a Hidden Agenda in the things you do? (Never, sometimes, or all the time?)

READING

Here is the selected reading for Unit 6 of the course.

• Healthy Sense of Self, How to be true to your Self and make your world a better place!
• Also available on Amazon is the revised edition (2023) under the title: “Healthy Sense of Self, The Secret to Being Your Best Self”

ACTIVITY

Now that we have added some terms, let’s continue with the thread of conversation you started with yourself in Unit 5.

Step 4 (Continued From Unit 5)

Try dropping an urge/activity/impulse from your Unit 1 list and watch yourself closely.

(Note: We humans are highly skilled at coming up with justifications and excuses for the things we are addicted to, so please be aware of this and of the resistance you feel–as you move through the activity.)

• What are the implications of consciously abstaining from the drive to fulfill the conditions of your Ego-Reference and performing the task to perfection? Ask yourself if it is really that terrible to not do these things to perfection. What are the implications for how you feel?
• On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most uncomfortable, how uncomfortable is it for you?
• How long can you abstain from the behavior?
• Can you gauge how it might have affected your quality of life?

Step 5 – Part I: “Feeling-good-about-myself”

Ask yourself two questions. Here is #1:
What is your preferred way of getting to that “Feel-good-about-self” state? How are you trying to prove that you are not the way that (you perceive) an authority figure in your life thinks you are? This person might be your parent or they might be your partner, friend, or your boss.

I say: “perceive” because, even if you hear repeatedly “you are a failure,” and to you it seems pretty obvious what that person thinks of you, you can never know for sure what someone is thinking. Often, you can only assume.

Whether or not the lines of communication are open between you and the authority figures in your life, you tend to interpret their behavior or verbal expressions and draw your own conclusions, regardless of their accuracy.

When you perceive that someone with authority does not really see you as the wonderful person you are AND you are in need of his or her approval (because you have a Lack of SoS), then the only thing in the world that counts is to make them change their mind.

Proving you are worth their attention by doing things that they like to see you do is how you think you can achieve that. Doing those things to perfection is your Hidden Agenda (as opposed to doing those things for the sake of the ordinary outcome) and changing their mind about you is your Hidden Goal. Only, that never happens and all you get is approval, which is nothing more than a fleeting moment of good vibes.

When people you value (and look up to) are NOT ABLE to see you for who you are, it might be that they are too involved with their own Hidden Agendas and Goals.

Here is your question #2:

• What is your Hidden Agenda when you engage in certain activities?
• What is your Hidden Goal?

Example: When Bart plays the piano and it goes fairly well, he gets to “Feel-good-about-himself.” It makes him feel like a real musician, contrary to what he perceives his father, who idolizes musicians, thinks of him: “Ah, my son tries to be a musician, but I know that people in our family are just not musically talented. I so wish it were different and I could have been a great musician myself.”

Part II: What is your Hidden Agenda? What is your Hidden Goal?

So for yourself, could you create a formula, which would be something like:

When I clean my house, I go on doing it until I get to a “Feel-good-about-self” state. That state happens when I get every chore done to the standards set by my parents. My parent/caregiver used to think that I was negligent or incompetent in my housekeeping, which still hurts my feelings, and my self-respect suffers quite a bit because of it. I realize that I am determined to prove that I can be as neat as they want me to be. I hope secretly that (someday) my parent will (finally) see me in a different light and acknowledge me for who I am. All I want is for them to appreciate me as their valued and respected child.

Replace the italicized text with facts from your own life.

Understand that this outcome is a goal you might carry with you throughout your life. Until you gain their acknowledgment and respect, which is not likely to happen, you might play out this scenario in all kinds of relationships (family, friends, work).

Step 6

Now that you are seeing WHY you do WHAT you do, you can start reconditioning yourself.

How do you begin reconditioning yourself?
Create a similar list of things you could be doing differently based on what you now know about your own Ego-References, Hidden Agenda, Hidden Goal, and need to “Feel-good-about-yourself” (see graph above.) Challenge yourself.

Here is an example of how you could go about it:
I am pretty compulsive about finishing things I have started because I use it as a Vehicle to show off my Ego Reference of not being negligent. My Hidden Goal is to show my parents that I am worth their appreciation and respect.

Again, please replace the italicized text with your own scenario.
I am pretty compulsive about __________ because I use it as a Vehicle to show off the Ego Reference of __________. My Hidden Goal is __________.

I will try to do this differently for a week (or a day, a few hours, a few minutes) and exercise my awareness of WHY I actually feel the need to do that. That is all you have to do. Repeat this until you’re able to drop the compulsion, and the rest will take care of itself.

QUOTE FROM THE GUIDED JOURNAL

Day 22

If keeping your house clean is a compulsion that you need to do to “Feel-good-about-self,”
chances are that keeping your house clean is a Vehicle that you use for your Ego-Reference of needing to be neat and organized.
Your Hidden Agenda with this is to show your caregiver/parent that you are better than he/she thinks.
Your Hidden Goal is to finally feel accepted and acknowledged.

RECAP

For some of us, the likelihood that what we are doing is being done because we actively choose to do it is slim. Chances are, there lurks beneath the immediate surface a Hidden Agenda and Goal behind our generosity, patience, or willingness. When “Feeling-good-about-ourselves” in that particular existential way has become our life’s purpose, we have to take a step back and consider why we think we need to do that in the first place.

LOOKING AHEAD

So much of the angst and anxiety you experience as an adult was set in motion when your parents were unable to let you develop a Healthy Sense of Self in early childhood.

In the next unit, we will speak more at length about the role parental judgment plays in the adult lives of those without a Sense of Self. You will see how parents need not even be present for their opinions about you to linger in your mind and body. You will learn about this early and complete entanglement of parent and child that is both the cause and the result of a Lack of SoS.

*IMPORTANT NOTE* All comments left on the course are PUBLIC to course takers and Healthy Sense of Self employees. If you would like to send a private comment please email antoinetta@healthysenseofself.com