Lesson 8: My Sense of Self seems to disappear if I don’t succeed in getting approval!

Submodule 8

My SoS seems to disappear if I don’t succeed in getting approval!
Your motive for WHY you do WHAT you do pretty much indicates how healthy or unhealthy your Sense of Self is. Here is the most important question you need to answer with utmost honesty:

Am I actually living my life or am I mainly busy fulfilling (self-imposed) conditions?

Picture yourself sitting at a family table (you are in your forties): You’re hoping to enjoy happy-hour or a meal with family and friends. Who is at the table? There is the person (or people) who raised you, your siblings, nephews and nieces, and the neighbors from next door. Everybody is talking to each other and seems to be having a good time.

You joined the gathering after coming back from the doctor, where you had your ears cleaned. The procedure didn’t go as expected, and you are having trouble hearing in one ear – you can’t hear outside sounds, and there is a lot of noise in that ear. You try to share your story but, for whatever reason, it seems no one is paying attention. You only get this accusatory look from your caregiver that seems to convey, “You are not going to spoil this fun moment for me with your problem. Everybody is having a good time. Don’t you dare!”

So you sit there, physically present but not participating; you feel excluded and ignored. You wish you could disappear. . . Has this ever happened to you? If so, how did it feel?

In this unit, we introduce the term Annihilation, which is best described as not being related to as a “real” person who matters and is taken into account. If you have no Sense of Self, you develop the habit of living up to certain conditions (Ego-References). These are based on the Early Childhood Survival Strategies you adopted in order to avoid the terror of feeling Annihilated.

Because there is so much perceived to be at stake in getting the desired outcome, these habits become compulsive behaviors. The sense of severe urgency that accompanies these habits causes reactions you may not be aware of – for example:

• You (unknowingly/subconsciously) adjust your circumstances to accommodate these habits.
• Your general mood and behavior are largely dependent on whether or not you succeed in living up to these conditions.

Building on what you have learned so far, we will now talk about a structure you may have subconsciously created – if you are a person with a Lack of Sense of Self – which functions as the placeholder for the real Self-experience.

This structure is called a Substitute Sense of Self. It is this structure that determines WHY you do WHAT you do.

The existence of the SubSoS depends on the result you get when living up to your (oftentimes) self-imposed conditions. As such, you and your life are ruled by the need to realize these conditions over and over again. Without the sensation of a Substitute SoS, there is no self-experience.

Can a person live and function without any Sense of Self? If that notion is hard to imagine, think of it as being similar to a person living without a backbone. The Sense of Self is the spine of the psyche. Doesn’t it then seem better to have a Substitute SoS rather than no Sense of Self at all? However, the Substitute SoS needs to be earned over and over again. The fear of not being able to get that done results in tension, worry, anger, stress, and worse.

When a Natural Sense of Self doesn’t develop, almost all life events are potential sources for earning a Substitute SoS. That explains why the stakes are perceived to be so high in many everyday events. Such stakes can produce extreme (or milder) stress and exhaustion. These, in turn, can lead to dysfunction and illness (or other deviations like violent behavior, suicide, or depression).

Gaining insight into what these aspects of your mental and emotional makeup are all about – through a course such as this one – can help you break the cycle of needing to always generate the fleeting sensation of “Feeling-good-about-self,” and redirect that energy to start truly LIVING your life for other, healthier goals.

The BENEFITS of gaining a healthy Sense of Self are:

• Better child rearing because of greater ability to be there for their needs and joys
• Less compulsiveness
• More capable to commit

WATCH THE VIDEO FIRST

Click here for video transcript.

GLOSSARY

For your convenience, here is a downloadable/printable PDF Glossary, or you may visit the Glossary on our website. (Note that the glossary on the website includes some additional terms not addressed in this course, and contains links to extended and more detailed information on each term.)

NEW SoS TERMS

• Annihilation
• Fear of Annihilation
• Substitute Sense of Self (SubSoS)

Definition: Annihilation

A strong perception of being overlooked, not being seen and heard, not being taken into account, not having any impact in your environment, which is experienced as non-existing.

Annihilation is a big word but imagine how you would feel if you sensed that you were being rendered invisible, reduced to a nobody—starting from the time you were born—because you were not living up to the (unreasonable?) expectations of your primary caretaker. You only counted when you did the right thing, otherwise, they couldn’t deal with your presence in their already complex lives. They pushed you aside, or in many other ways made you feel that their own concerns counted more than YOU did. For you, that translated into feeling invisible in their eyes. You were never able to simply be you and establish your Sense of Self.

The emphasis in such a person’s life—due to the natural way infants grow and develop—is on trying to function in a way that Annihilation is avoided. All of the person’s capabilities are gathered to make that avoidance successful.

Definition: Fear of Annihilation

Terror of being unheard and invisible.

Annihilation is the scenario that awaits us, originally when we were very young and felt ignored by our caregiver, and later in life, when we are unable to live up to our Ego-References. Annihilation is a terrifying prospect, being perceived as—and experienced as—“alive but not-existing.”

Trying to avoid feeling the fear of that experience later in life can contaminate any action, activity, or behavior.

Fear of failure is a good example because it comes up when we “perform” an act or a behavior that really is less geared towards the obvious result of the performance, but rather at the effect it would have on reaching our Hidden Goal. Being able to prove that we are worth being taken into account (“look at me, I did it”) comes down to succeeding in avoiding feeling annihilated.

However, there is a complexity here that needs clarification: in the case of a person with a Lack of SoS, a “normal” fear of failing to do well in any action, activity, or behavior gets contaminated by the fear of Annihilation.

Here is how it works: You do something for Indirect Motivation (but you are not aware of what really drives you). Also, you are not aware that the fear of Annihilation plays a role in your life. That fear is also responsible for greater tension in your body, the amount of preparation you feel compelled to apply to do something well, and whether or not you get a good night’s sleep, just to name a few of the many possible results.

Definition: Substitute Sense of Self (SubSoS)

A psycho-emotional structure that develops as the backbone of the psyche of those children/adults whose caregivers relate to their children as an extension of themselves, and that leads to a compulsive drive for achievement-based approval.

The Substitute Sense of Self is the capstone concept of the SoS Theory. If you understand its function, then you can identify the difference between the inner workings of a person with a Healthy SoS and one with a Lack of SoS. The one who lacks a Sense of Self is bound to become dependent on a Substitute SoS.

Approval was what initially took the place of acknowledgment. Later that approval becomes a fundamental need and motive for much of the person’s behavior. The moment this person (as a child or later as an adult, via the IPV) gets a hint that an influential authority in their life approves of him or her, the person doesn’t feel the pain so much anymore of that missing Sense of Self. The approval gives them a Fgas-state that functions (albeit only momentarily) as their Substitute Sense of Self.

If, as a child, we had to work very hard to get some kind of substitute (approval) for being truly acknowledged as existing, we developed a strong drive to prove that the reasons we were not truly acknowledged and taken into our parent or caregiver’s heart (that we eventually blame ourselves for), are no longer valid.*

In other words: we keep working on trying to become good enough with those with opinions we value, and whose love* and appreciation we crave (compare illustration of the SoS term Substitute SoS-oriented Goal) long after the time has passed in which we could have developed a Natural Sense of Self. We (poignantly) never stop trying to prove that we are better now than we felt they judged us to back then.

*The word “love” (to be taken into someone’s heart) is generally used for a variety of emotions: familiarity – dependency – consolation – need to care for – and many others (do you know of some?). Real love can only be experienced together with the acknowledgment of someone’s being a (potentially) independent and autonomous person.

How so? Later in childhood, if we have a Lack of Sense of Self, perhaps we’ll seek approval by getting the best grades, being the best athlete, or the top performer (living up to those conditions may have ended up being our Ego-References). If we don’t get approval for these behaviors, we will subconsciously sense that we are not good enough and, based on the fear of not really existing, we will experience the terror of Annihilation. In order to avoid that feeling we will try harder* becoming a slave to our Ego-References, always alert for ways in which we can please our caregivers (Scanning Mode) and/or earn a “Feel-good-about-self” as a SubSoS. A Substitute Sense of Self depends upon approval above all else, and we seek to get that from winning, being the best, or not being any trouble, or some other Ego-Reference.

*This in no way implies that one could not become a topnotch performer based on healthy motives. On the contrary! People with healthy motivation are more likely to succeed in what they are doing because they do it for the right reasons and there are no deep fears or stresses diminishing their capabilities.

This is what it is all about: a person with a Lack of SoS acts and behaves in ways to fill the inner void left by the missing Natural SoS, which was unable to develop because long ago, the parent was unable to truly acknowledge the child.

(A Natural Sense of Self is a Healthy Sense of Self that was developed at the appropriate time)

A Substitute Sense of Self serves as our inner “spine” when a Natural Sense of Self is not there to support us. Getting this substitute for the natural structure, this “virtual spine,” is perceived as an immediate necessity. Without this Substitute SoS, we sense on the deepest level of our being that we wouldn’t exist; neither for others nor for ourselves (Annihilation). Seeing that connection will hopefully lead you to understand why there is so much urgency involved.

GUIDING QUESTIONS

• In what ways does it feel like “something else” is setting your standards for living?
• What are your core values for successful living?
• Can you see that it is crucial to make sure that they are yours as opposed to being important to someone else whom you regard as having authority?

READING

Here is the selected reading for Unit 8 of the course.

ACTIVITY

When it comes to Annihilation we experience “non-existing” and it isn’t a pleasant feeling. It can feel downright terrifying.

Gaining an awareness of how we react to the experience of Annihilation — when it happens at work or with family or in larger groups — would be an empowering start to being able to stop the feelings associated with Annihilation in the first place.

Learning to recognize circumstances and patterns of behavior and how you react when Annihilation is triggered is what the following exercise is about.

For this exercise, please make sure you have your inventory of WHAT you do and WHY you do it as a resource for this self-exploration. Also, be mindful of what EgoRefs you are now aware of.

Answer the following questions:

• When was the last time you felt unseen (even though you rationally knew better)?
• What were the circumstances?
• What do you remember feeling in your body?
• What messages were being conveyed to you by your conscious, thinking mind?
• What did you do or say to the person or group that contributed to your feeling unseen and unheard?

With that new awareness of how Annihilation has impacted you, ask yourself:

• Has this experience of Annihilation occurred at other times in your past?

Reflecting on the past experiences you recall, ask yourself:

• Are there specific circumstances or particular behavior patterns of others that trigger you?
• What was your deepest desire at those moments of feeling ignored?
• How did you actually respond to the situation?
• How did any of these negative and/or frightening experiences prompt you towards making extra efforts to counter them by gaining a “Feel-good-about-self” for a Substitute Sense of your Self?
• Can you remember how far you were willing to extend yourself in order to be successful in gaining a Substitute SoS after experiencing the Annihilation?
• What feeling were you looking to realize?

Recognizing what sets you up, what sets you off, and how you compensate for it is the skill you will need to develop.

Early detection of your inclination to react in certain ways allows for you to stay present to your self in those stressful moments and to be prepared to keep your motivation “direct.” It is one way to eliminate or avoid a huge amount of unnecessary stress and suffering.

QUOTE FROM THE GUIDED JOURNAL

Day 55

Parental mix-up
Could it be that our parents wanted us to
be “just so,”
not because it was so much better,
but because it was more convenient for them?
Subconsciously they wanted us to not be present
As a “real” person
As ourselves
but rather
As an extension of them!
So we would positively contribute to their
Substitute Sense of Self
so they had more time and energy
to work on their own issues

RECAP

If the time to develop a sense of our inner spine/home base and a healthy relationship with our Self passes us unfulfilled, we, as infants, subconsciously reach for the next best thing. Our Substitute Sense of Self takes the place of that unfelt Self and becomes the base for our choices, beliefs, feelings, motivations—the need to Fgas has become the heart of our life/existence. It has become part of our mind-body system.

People who live their lives as a performance for others instead of truly living it, feel the fear of failing to live up to the performance’s conditions as a matter of life and death and are bound to be continuously overwhelmed and stressed. This is a cycle that is challenging to break free because the need to keep our Substitute Sense of Self supported, is perceived as the most important thing. So the question is whose happiness matters above all else when a Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented System is active? It certainly is not the happiness and well-being of the individual with the Substitute Sense of Self.

LOOKING AHEAD

You now have been introduced to the most important labels of the SoS Method. These labels allow you to get a sense of what the complete picture of your behavior and inner workings can look like when you lack an SoS. With that insight, you can gauge the negative spin-off of this situation in real life, which will fuel your desire to get back to who you really are and restore your Sense of Self.

In the next and last unit of this course, we will examine the Substitute SoS-Oriented System and lead you through each of the concepts as they could apply to you. Getting acquainted with your own internal Substitute SoS-Oriented System is essential in breaking free from the addiction to a Substitute SoS and moving towards a healthier Restored Sense of Self.

*IMPORTANT NOTE* All comments left on the course are PUBLIC to course takers and Healthy Sense of Self employees. If you would like to send a private comment please email antoinetta@healthysenseofself.com