Sense of Self Method Online Course

Lesson 9: Putting it all together

Submodule 9

Putting it all together
One by one we have introduced the psychological and emotional elements that are at play in the lives of people who lack a Sense of Self, to secure for themselves some sort of “self-experience,” albeit through a Substitute Sense of Self (SubSoS). All these elements are collected under what we call the Substitute SoS-Oriented System.

When you are not in touch with your Self because you don’t even know what your Self is and how it feels, a SubSoS fills in the void (what we call the Black Hole). The reality is that each and every choice, action, and behavior is geared toward getting that “Feel-good-about-self” state because it functions as a Substitute SoS (over and over again). This particularly unhealthy situation is then augmented by the stress of feeling that you must succeed at all costs to battle the fear of Annihilation.

In this unit, you will see what that looks like as a whole, and discover what the separate items are that form the Substitute-Sense-of-Self-Oriented System. Once you understand the origins of each of those elements, you will be able to effectively create lasting changes because you can now see the futility (despite the seeming necessity) of your (former) motivation.

You can now also forgive yourself for unintentionally allowing these conditions to play a dominant role in your life. You created these conditions a long time ago to help yourself survive, and that is what they did! So now you can say: “Thank you very much, Substitute Sense of Self. You have done your job, but it is time to go!”

A Substitute Sense of Self serves as your inner “spine” when a Natural Sense of Self is not there to support you. Getting this substitute for the natural structure (the development of a Sense of Self), is crucial, as living without this virtual spine is impossible. It would be comparable to going through the motions of life, while merely vegetating as a body, without having any impact on anyone or anything around you.

So, you have to conclude that, on the one hand, it is true: without a Substitute Sense of Self, your life would have been impossible. So, it did what it had to do, it helped you survive. On the other hand, you still sense on the deepest level of your being that you do not exist, either for others or for yourself (Annihilation), each time you are unable to live up to your self-imposed conditions. Seeing that connection will hopefully lead you to understand why there is so much urgency involved.

The Substitute-Sense-of-Self-Oriented System is the collection of all the various aspects and processes that are at work within you. This system is geared towards the assurance of gaining that most desired state of “Feeling-good-about-self”—which functions as your Substitute Sense of Self.

The BENEFITS of gaining a healthy Sense of Self are:

More comfortable with self-expression
Better communication skills
Better flow in your life

WATCH THE VIDEO FIRST

Click here for video transcription.

GLOSSARY

For your convenience, here is a downloadable/printable PDF Glossary, or you may visit the Glossary on our website. (Note that the glossary on the website includes some additional terms not addressed in this course, and contains links to extended and more detailed information on each term.)

NEW SoS TERMS

SubSoS-Oriented System (SubSoS-Or System)
SubSoS-Oriented Goal (SubSoS-Or Goal)

Definition: Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented System

The entire subconscious complex of needs, behaviors, motives, habits, beliefs, goals, and fears that generates achievement-based approval, which functions as an unhealthy base for being.

Below you will find an overview of the ingredients that form the Substitute SoS-Oriented System. Be advised, though, that this Unit does not give a detailed explanation of the System; the purpose is to provide you with an overview of the concepts of the SoS Method to help you better understand your own (or someone else’s) behavior.

For a thorough understanding of the SubSoS-Oriented System and its impact on a person’s behavior (and life), read Chapter 8 of Healthy Sense of Self, How to Be True to Your Self and Make Your World a Better Place! You can also go to Chapter 8 of the 2nd edition of this Book: The Motivation Cure, the Secret to Being Your Best Self.

Most of the concepts below have been explained in the previous Units—you will find links to webpages that further explain some of the concepts.

The concepts in the SoS Method that refer to the elements of the Substitute SoS-Oriented System are:

A lack of Sense of Self
Self-blame
Inauthenticity
Annihilation and the Fear of Annihilation
Early Childhood Survival Strategy
Ego-References versus Quality of Life level experiences
Hidden Agendas, Hidden Goal, Vehicles
IPV
“Feeling-good-about-self”
Scoring
Hindrances
Anger, rage, depression
Compulsiveness
High levels of stress and anxiety
Self-sabotage
Extreme emotional peaks and valleys
Specific patterns of Substitute SoS-Oriented Behavior
Other specific Substitute SoS-based fears, including but not limited to:
- fear of your own behavior,
- fear of your own emotions,
- fear of failure (stage fright),
- fear of not being able to function,
- fear of change,
- fear of abandonment

The only function of the term Substitute SoS-Oriented System is to label the complexity of concepts and coping mechanisms that all play a role in the emotional makeup and behavior of a person who is dependent on approval.

Like a puppet masterworks a puppet’s strings, the Substitute SoS-Oriented System is put in motion over and over to produce desired actions and reactions. Choices, goals, fear of failing to get to the Hidden Goal, avoidance of Annihilation, and all the aspects of a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are tied together—many aspects of what they do and want are linked in some way to their ultimate goal: to get that “Feel-good-about-self” state.

There are so many ways you can realize and experience that state of “Feeling-good-about-yourself.” Early in life, it can be interpreted from the embrace of your caregiver’s (temporary) acceptance; it can be found in the tone of your parent’s voice on the telephone, hidden in the words they use in a letter, in (potential reasons for) their absence or their presence. You continuously scan the behavior and expressions of your caregiver for approval or lack thereof. The totality of what is at work behind your obsession with “Feeling-good-about-self” is known as the Substitute SoS-Oriented System.

If we all outgrew this dependency on the approval of our parents or other authority figures we’d be better educators ourselves. We’d function better in our various roles as partners, peers, and professionals —with more self-expression and less fear of reprisal. Yet, how many of us spend most or all of our lives terrified of displeasing others?

Definition: Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented Goal

A person’s ultimate (subconscious) goal of convincing the parent to change his or her negative opinion about “me” into a positive one, which then gives “me” a feeling of being a “real,” normal person.

Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented Goal and Hidden Goal both refer to the same desired outcome: feeling accepted as a “real” person by the parent/caregiver. This new term provides a slightly different angle from Hidden Goal, namely as a concept within the Substitute SoS-Oriented System.

In the illustration of this term, you see two people in an embrace. I love this picture because it symbolizes the Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented Goal as bringing the person with a Lack of SoS closer to their caregiver. But the pain of the reality is that it is conditional as it takes place through approval.

When you have a Lack of SoS, you are continuously seeking ways to make your parent (or other authority figures) change their mind about you so you can feel accepted. You literally crave that physical or emotional embrace—the thing that gives you your (virtual) spine/Substitute Sense of Self.

SoS terminology may be rather overwhelming to the student, especially when confronted with the subtle differences between them, so here is an overview of the various terms that could potentially be confusing:

The term Hidden Goal refers to how you try to get your parent’s acceptance through doing the specific things they like you to do and/or behaving in the specific ways they like to see you behave. In other words, the Hidden Goal is to please them in such a way that they change their opinion about you so you no longer have to feel that it is your fault that you are not good enough to be accepted as a “real” person.

Then there are the terms Hidden Agenda and Vehicles. They describe an action or activity that is not always what it appears to be. Hidden Agendas are associated with the content of your actions, which are focused on achieving Ego-References rather than the obvious, ordinary outcome. Vehicles serve as the carriers for your Ego-References—these are actions and behaviors you perform with the intention of demonstrating the particular skills or character traits you use to get approval. Indirect Motivation lies at the root of both of these terms.

My Hidden Agenda is to prove:

that I can be on time
that I am able to sleep through the night
that I am not easily angered

The Vehicle I use to prove this is:

making sure others notice my timely arrival
looking fresh and alert
maintaining the appearance of being calm

Lastly, there are the Ego-References—the self-imposed requirements you need to meet so you can “Feel-good-about-self.” These indicate which specific Hidden Agenda is being used in service of reaching your (Hidden) Goal.

As you have already learned, this Hidden Goal is not overt; it operates in the background on a subconscious level, both affecting and directing many of your choices and decisions.

Internalized Parental Voice: Keep in mind, there will be many instances and varieties of the parental voice that emerge in your minds during your lifetime. That is very much okay, as long as it does not feel like your sense of being allowed to exist depends on it.

In the context of family, you may always be trying to get your parent’s approval, no matter your age or status in life. At work, you might be continuously seeking your peers’ and/or supervisor’s attention and approval. While a person with a Healthy Sense of Self might also seek attention and approval, their sense of having the right to exist does not depend on it. It’s all about finding a happy balance in the effect that approval has on you. If the effect is too intense, you need to work on eradicating your need for approval by finding out WHY you do WHAT you do. Imagine it, as taking a journey through yourself—one that is ongoing.

GUIDING QUESTIONS

How does it feel when something else is setting your standards for living your life? In other words, how does it feel when you let yourself be guided by your Ego-References? Observe yourself and note the signs and symptoms.
What are your core values for successful living? Could it be that you adopted those values because they are important to someone else, someone you regard as an authority figure?
Take a moment to create a mental image of what could cause you to spend all your energy on:
1. compensating for not feeling acknowledged and
2. avoiding the dreaded situation of feeling Annihilated.
Imagine what it would be like if your life was spent living in the shadow and in the service of your caregiver.
Try to imagine what it would mean to feel invisible to your family/friends

READING

Here is the selected reading for Unit 9 of the course.

Healthy Sense of Self, How to be true to your Self and make your world a better place!
Also available on Amazon is the revised edition (2023) under the title: “Healthy Sense of Self, The Secret to Being Your Best Self”

ACTIVITY

Disclaimer: You might experience some resistance in this unit, but push through it and stay the course. It’s about to get even better as you move toward knowing what to do to Restore your Sense of Self.

Working out the following tasks can give you extensive insight into your own Substitute SoS-Oriented System if you have one:

Copy the list of concepts that form the Substitute SoS-Oriented System and check them one by one: Do any of these elements show up in your behavior?
Describe how you were mirrored by your parent or caregiver. Did they really see you? Go back in time and watch the “movie” of your own early childhood. What was at play? What was your place in that situation/drama?
Self-blame: What is your level of self-blame? Can you come up with an overview of what you were blamed for—even while you were trying to please your caregiver? How much of that blame has stayed with you and how much do you see as really being your fault? Question those conclusions by thinking things through for your Self now—independently—with your own mind!
Inauthenticity: How do you relate to the concept of inauthenticity? Do you feel like you live an authentic life? Are you true to your Self? If so, in what? If not, in what?
Annihilation and the Fear of Annihilation: What does this mean for you? Has Annihilation played a significant role in your life? What situations generate the Fear of Annihilation in you?
Early Childhood Survival Strategy: List the known strategies you used when you were young to get positive vibes and approval from your parents. Highlight those that are still active in your life.
Ego-References: List any Ego-References that you are aware you have now or have had in the past. Highlight those that are still active. If you have any past Ego-References that are no longer active, think about what occurred to deactivate them.
Hidden Agendas: Can you come up with a Hidden Agenda for each of the Ego-References you have listed?
Vehicles: Can you think of any Vehicles you use for those Ego-References?
Hidden Goal: What is your Hidden Goal?
Internalized Parental Voice: The IPV is the voice of your belief system. Refer back to the activity in Unit 7, can you refresh yourself on what ways your IPV manifests itself? In other words, what signs or symptoms does your body show when some internalized criteria are being ignored, overlooked, or not performed to perfection?
To “Feel-good-about-self”: What is YOUR version of “Feeling-good-about-yourself”? How would you describe that state with your own words? When was the last time you can remember reaching the Fgas state?
Scoring: Can you think of a few ways you would try to score for your caregiver’s approval?
Anger, rage, and depression: Determine if anger, rage, and depression play a predominant role in your life/behavior. Describe the circumstances that cause them to arise.
- “I am often angry when . . .”
- “I am enraged when . . .”
- “I feel depressed when . . .”
Compulsiveness: Do you feel the need to do certain things at all costs and cannot quite clearly understand why? List some of your compulsive behaviors. Describe a situation that instigates compulsiveness in you.
High stress and/or anxiety: When do you experience high stress or anxiety? List the things/people/situations that cause you to feel this way. Do any of the causes justify the intensity of your stress or anxiety?
Other Substitute SoS-oriented fears: Please consider each of these fears, one by one, and whether any of them apply to your own inner makeup.
- Fear of your own behavior: Are you worried that whatever you do or whatever decisions you make will lead to the opposite of what you are trying to achieve? Do you worry that you are not nice enough? Haven’t been kind enough, haven’t treated a person with enough respect, haven’t paid enough attention to their story?
- Fear of your own emotions: Do you dread not having the appropriate or most convenient emotions at times? In other words, do you fear not being able to deal with certain situations? Many parents make it clear, verbally or non-verbally, that they prefer their children not to express (or even have) negative emotions. Because of your dependency on their approval, it could very well be that you force yourself to accommodate these wishes. In this situation, expressing your own negative emotions (anger, sadness, etc.) thwarts your ability to get that sense of safety (Fgas) that you so desperately need. On top of that, suppressing these emotions creates undue complexity within your psyche, which frequently leads to sudden explosions of rage. These bouts of anger or temper tantrums are exactly what you were trying to avoid in the first place.
- Fear of failure (stage fright): Are you ever extremely anxious that things will not work out or that you won’t do well, despite being fully prepared? Do you freeze up or does your mind go blank in certain situations? What symptoms do you experience when this fear arises? Are they emotional, physiological, or both?
- Fear of not being able to function: The perceived dependency on a Substitute SoS leads to extreme worry that something will prevent you from gaining it. Without a Substitute SoS, you experience the most dreaded feeling of Annihilation, which makes it difficult, if not impossible, to function at the level necessary for you to Fgas (which serves as your Substitute SoS). To avoid this negative cycle, you focus on perfecting your performance of actions and activities towards gaining a Substitute SoS. Is this applicable to your life/behavior? At what times do you feel you are putting on a performance rather than acting as your true Self?
- Fear of change: Are your current lifestyle and surroundings (housing, relationships, job, etc.) organized in such a way that you will be able to work your way up to Fgas? If anything changed in your situation, would it prevent you from reaching the Fgas state? Does the thought of change provoke anxiety? Why do you think that is and how would it manifest for you?
- Fear of abandonment: Consider your relationships with those closest to you (your spouse, parents, friends, etc.) Are you ever afraid of being abandoned if you do or say certain things? Does anyone actually give you a reason to believe they will abandon you or is it possible that it exists only in your own mind? Are there any triggers that remind you of your childhood situation?
Emotional roller coaster: Describe the overall levels of your emotional life on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Do you ever feel that your emotions fluctuate more than is usual or that you lose control of them? Are there any specific situations that make you feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster?
Specific patterns of behavior: How might you draw a graph of your ups and downs? Do you notice any specific patterns of behavior? If so, consider what created this pattern within you.

QUOTE FROM THE GUIDED JOURNAL

Day 73

TRICKY
So often
we tend to use our healing
to go deeper into the mistakes we are making
and that caused our pain in the first place
thinking
we know what is good for us
better than Nature
Are you really aiming to improve
your quality of life
and are you really prepared to give up
what hasn’t worked for you so far
Or
Do you secretly intend to use your healing
to become better
in trying to make things work
the way
you wanted them to work
all along?

RECAP

The soup of the Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented System has been served to you. That is a soup, with a distinct number of ingredients. I could imagine, as the author of the SoS Method, that the list of ingredients in other people’s soup would be slightly different, depending on your cultural background, the materials available to you, or your talent for cooking. It is absolutely useful to at least be acquainted with your own recipe and with that of your significant other, so you can learn to see where behavior comes from. It’ll make discussions easier and more fruitful.

The best thing to do is, of course, to get rid of all these specific aspects that only serve to gain the Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented Goal. The one and only thing you have to do is to eliminate your Hidden Goal. That occurs when you understand that you no longer need a SubSoS because you ARE already, and integrate that new understanding into your life. Now you are aware that you need to focus on sensing your Self, and that you no longer need to work your way up to a “Feel-good-about-self” state on a daily basis.

That means that you can live your life for you, without external approval, which has always been your Hidden Goal. Eliminating the need for this approval makes the whole of the Substitute SoS-Oriented System obsolete.

When you can integrate the awareness of this chain of cause and effect in your life, it is highly likely that you will experience a great number of positive changes. There is no quick fix, though; patience and dedication are needed to grow this awareness.

To enable your success in the matter, we are developing a second course that is focused on the process of how to recover from a Lack of Sense of Self.

LOOKING AHEAD

In this course, you have been exposed to a great number of new concepts. As you learned more about them you compared them with what happens within your own Self. Chances are that you are already integrating many of the specifics of the SoS Method without actively taking the initiative to do so. Actively taking the initiative will accelerate and amplify your healing process!

This course—and with that your first step—now has come to an end. However, it would be very wise to not set it aside. Rather, to best benefit your Self, you should continue actively using the material. Restoring your SoS is a lifelong process. The more active you are, the more you achieve.

Understanding what drives your behavior allows you to make lasting changes that can lead to living a more conscious, empowered life. You will thrive with the firm conviction that:

you never have to do anything to deserve your life because you already are and
you always have the right to exist as YOU!

*IMPORTANT NOTE* All comments left on the course are PUBLIC to course takers and Healthy Sense of Self employees. If you would like to send a private comment please email antoinetta@healthysenseofself.com