Hidden Goal

Changing the outcome to that crucial aspect that went wrong in the relationship with her parent/caregiver in the past is what forms a person’s Hidden Goal. And the reason is because you want to get what you never got. You want to get that acknowledgment of you, as you own individual person, with your right to process your own emotions in your own way and discover the world and your Self at your own pace.

By the time you have installed this Hidden Goal in your life you are already dependent on “earning the approval” of one or some people who have become crucial in your life. Unfortunately, it is not because they are so awesome but because they are sitting on something that you need: acknowledgement, confirmation that you exist as your won person.

They are not aware of it though and also unable to give it you. I am convinced that there is no mal-intention- they simply do not see you as a person who would need that from them, your caregiver. Most likely they never had it themselves, so they are utterly busy with filling in that inner emptiness in themselves, for Fear Annihilation. So they can’t have these little and bigger hindrances pop up all the time in their lives, that form real human beings – even or maybe especially their own children.

That is how they got in the situation of having to work very hard to earn their parent/caregiver’s approval or, when they have passed, the approval of their own Internalized Parental Voice. That is how they have become dependent on that approval and have no room for “seeing” you – that is how you will have to settle for approval as well.

So yes, the Hidden Goal is initially about acknowledgment but ultimately about getting the Substitute SoS. It is about what leads to a “Feel-good-about-Self” and that is approval. Since giving you acknowledgment is not within their ability your Hidden Goal is to get the next best thing: feeling seen and heard based on accomplishments, being admired, being great.

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