The motive for doing something is not what it appears to be; instead, the real motive is to get the temporary emotional state that is the substitute for a lasting sense of being a real person.
Activity or behavior that is based on Indirect Motivation looks the same as a behavior in Direct Motivation but the intent of the action or activity is driven by subconscious motives created in childhood. During that early stage in your life you have erroneously drawn the conclusion that not being unconditionally loved and accepted is your fault: “I wasn’t good enough.” That the problem could actually arise from the psycho-emotional hang-ups of the primary caregiver never occurs to the child (and usually not to the caregiver either.)
The Hidden Goal of the action is something no outside person could guess: to demonstrate something to the parent/caregiver, you have unfinished business with, and who for that reason plays a crucial role in your life. You want to show this parent that you are not as bad as he or she thought you are – or I should say it more accurately: as you perceive he or she thought you are. Because we never can be totally sure of what someone else’s motives for saying things or behaving in certain ways really are, correct?
And why would you do that? Because you perceive that that is why he or she didn’t confirm your existence as yourself, as your own potentially human being and everybody needs that acknowledgment. Everybody has the need to be seen and heard when trying to manifest themselves, especially a young child! When that need is not met, trying to get it after all will enslave you for the rest of your life.
Here is an example of how that can play out: The dishes are not being washed in order to have clean dishes. The dishes are being washed to please your caretaker (who might even be long dead).
Because of what is perceived to be at stake (to ‘be’ or not to ‘be’) Indirect Motivation is compulsive and addictive.
Those motives ultimately lead to a single-minded focus in life: to make sure the criteria for being allowed to be alive are met. When you live with this condition, a Lack of SoS, reaching that state of “Feeling-good-about-yourself” becomes eventually the one and only motivation in your life but it is not recognized as such. So, if not intercepted you become the slave of subconsciously-accepted conditions and, sadly, you are skipping your own life all together.
Indirect Motivation always includes Hidden Agendas and Hidden Goals. It is used when performing Ego-References, which in their turn use Vehicles. Both concepts are part of the unhealthy Substitute-Sense-of-Self-Oriented System.
All Indirect Motivation is ultimately based on the Fear of Annihilation, which is responsible for the compulsive and addictive quality of Indirect Motivation.
- Illustrated Card Set for the Language of the Sense of Self MethodEgo References? Substitute Sense of Self? Vehicles? The terminology used in the Sense of Self Method takes a bit of getting used to. But as you do you begin to see them not just as explanations but as useful tools for recognizing and dealing with circumstances and suppositions that keep you separate from your Healthy ...