Substitute Sense of Self-Oriented Goal (SSOS-OR Goal)

A person’s subconscious, ultimate goal of convincing the parent, through Indirect Motivation, to change his or her negative opinion about “me” into a positive one, which then gives “me” a feeling of being a “real,” normal person.


If you have a lack of a (natural) sense of being an independent person, because you were not acknowledged as such by your primary caregiver. Forced by the laws of nature to fill that inner emptiness, you develop strategies to get your parents approval, which then makes you feel close to being a real person. It is a temporary victory though.


If you are a person with a Lack of Sense of Self your ultimate goal is to free yourself from the pain of not feeling acknowledged by your primary caregiver as an independently-existing autonomous individual. You do this through actively trying to comply with and live up to the conditions of the conditional love of this caregiver.


While still a child, maybe even a young adult,* you hope, in this way, to be able to repair the missed opportunity of not being seen and treated as an independent, autonomous human being. By the time you have grown up to be an adult though, this striving and goal have been internalized and integrated.


You gradually have learned to “Feel-good-about-self” when your inner judge (really the voice of your caregiver) approves of you, which brings the desired “Feel-good” that functions as a Substitute SoS. The SSoS-Oriented System is now in place and working at full force and will have you repeat the same patterns over and over again (unless awareness is created. Only then change is possible.)


The SSoS-Oriented Goal and the Hidden Goal/Agendas are covering the same aspect in the method, but when we speak of the term SSoS-Oriented Goal the emphasis is on the technical function of this natural motivation to fill a void by something that can function as a placeholder for what is missing. A vacuum is not sustainable in a person-there needs to be a backbone or a substitute for it. The state of “Feel-good-about-self” obtainable through the approval or virtual approval of the caregiver becomes that placeholder.


We speak about The Hidden Goal and Agendas when we describe the emotional content of the motivation to reach that state of Fgas: the struggle for some true parental involvement and equality in the relationship.

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