Feeling-good-about-self

A fear-based emotional state (or thought) of feeling relieved and relatively safe, in the light of the absence of feeling compelled to produce certain results, gained from accomplishing what leads to approval from your parent, which serves as a temporary and unhealthy substitute for a sense of being alive as a real person.*

*There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself for a job well done or any other reason. The important difference is becoming aware of when “Feeling-good-about-self” is compulsive because your sense of self worth depends on it.

This Feel-good state functions as an internal green light. In words, it might be something like: “Wow, I succeeded in living up to the rules and requirements for behaviors or feelings which were subconsciously self-imposed in childhood”.

This state is experienced subconsciously (for as long as the mood or state lasts) as “I am safe” and “I actually feel I am allowed to be”. The state functions as your Substitute Sense of Self and is often accompanied by feelings of excitement that are relatively over-the-top, as well as by physical sensations of excitement (butterflies).

This state, no matter how calm or ecstatic it feels, is always highly charged with fear. Therefore, it leads to high vigilance and the need to control the outside world, because you can’t afford to let this state be ruined by external or internal factors. To get yourself to “Feel-good-about-yourself” is what you, if you have a Lack of SoS, desire most in life; it is your reason for living.

Therefore, anything that is perceived to be threatening to the attainment or continuation of the pursuit of this state must be controlled. In this condition, you will do just about anything to avoid being plunged into the lurking terror of losing your Substitute SoS and feeling out of existence again, no longer allowed to be.

In addition to terror, both anger and rage are also intimately involved in this state of so-called happiness. The moment a Hindrance is experienced on the path that is meant to lead to the realization of this state, your inner fury may wake up and lash out. There is no room for other people’s needs or interest in anything else.

There is also a great need to celebrate, to not let the moment pass by without reaping an outside reward, like getting a pad on the back, being admired or having more drinks or food than is good for you.

Whether or not the psychologically unhealthy person who took care of you, as an infant or child (and distorted your psychological development) is still alive or not is not really relevant. At some point you develop, as a child, what the SoS Method calls an Internalized Parental Voice. This is sort of your autopilot that keeps comparing and judging your achievements with the now internalized parental criteria.

Getting those good vibes were, in childhood, the goal and accepting all those requirements/constraints/limitations were necessary. Because of those vibes, you were able to experience that sense of existing as some kind of “self”. If you depend on the approval of your parent it is all about gaining that feeling of having deserved to be allowed into The (Castle of-) Enmeshment (Reference to an analogy from the book: The Motivation Cure, the Secret to Being your Best Self.

The Feel-good state is induced by a sense of “I managed to prove myself through successfully carrying out one of my (self-imposed but based on deductions in early childhood) conditions/tasks/requirements for how to behave or feel”. The person senses subconsciously (not in words): “I am now (virtually) “OK”, “accepted as normal”. The task has fulfilled its purpose of serving as a Vehicle to get me to my goal of feeling allowed to be.

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