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Invisible motivator

I caught myself – it was only a split second – but I caught myself thinking- or was it a feeling?- yes almost a feeling. It was such an internalized thought that it was almost a feeling…I caught myself feel-thinking, somewhere in the back of my head, almost unnoticeable but I did notice it because I have a trained muscle for that.

So I caught myself having a sort of pondering that “Maybe, after all, one day, I will be OK and able to live up the requirements.”
Whose requirements?
It didn’t clarify that question.
It said: “One day, through all my hard work and self improvement, I might be able to actually sleep through the night and function like a normal person and be no burden to anybody.”

I can see it now. Here the circle closes: I do not sleep because I have to be OK, better than I am, much better.
How to be that much better and therefore OK?
By sleeping through the night. Be done with the insomnia; be done with other unwanted behavior and be perfect.
But I don’t sleep because I am scared I can’t live up to that requirement.
Whose requirement again? Oh, not my own. It is ingrained in me, it is an issue from the past.
Who again made me think I had to be so much better as a person?
What do I actually think of it myself? If I use my own grey-cells what then is my own personal conclusion?

I am working hard – I am trying to take others into account – I try to not let everything be about me but we all have a lot on our plates these days – I am doing my utmost best, so I actually am very much OK right now.

I do not have to aim at the future for being OK. I am good enough!!!

Let this sink in slowly into your tortured self-esteem.
Stop working your butt off until you feel-good-about-yourself. Stop “feeling-ABOUT-yourself.”
Sense your self, be your body, be and think with your own mind and embrace your own emotions and know that
“You are OK at this very moment.”

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  1. Deborah Drake on January 14, 2013 at 3:22 am

    Antoinetta,

    Yes.

    Good enough and sensing what is actually happening in the body, in the moment, and allowing all emotions a forum for expression–strikes me as a loving and honoring way to live a life.

    And as a mother to a young and evolving woman, I so want her to be true to herself first and just today we had to have another “check in” on school and she felt like she was “screwing up” and I caught myself and said, no that is not what I meant to cause in you. So then how do we balance it all?

    Guiding them forward and staying involved enough to love them well–like they (our children) deserve

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