II. On becoming dependent on (virtual) parental approval
This is part 2/5 and a continuation of the blog post “Why Some People Never Get Depressed,” a comment on e online BBC News Magazine of 1/31/2012 in which Geoff Watts asks: “Why do some people never get depressed?” The last sentence of part one was:
… Step by step I implemented changes in my way of looking at things and learned to see life as what it must look like for many other people, yes, those people who never get depressed: because they have a healthy Sense of Self.
I, on the contrary, was like a juggler who needed to keep her plates in the air. In me there was no strong Sense of Self to function as my home-base, my safe haven. There was no me that I did everything in my life for, who benefitted from what I did in terms of experience or enjoyment. There was “nobody home” in me. As compensation I had made myself a sort of artificial structure that would fake the experience of Self- a Substitute Sense of Self.
If you want to learn more what this fake Self is all about and how it leads to compulsion and depletes your system please click on the link and it will bring you in the heart of my HEALTHYSENSEOFSELF –Method (formerly Holispsych.com). And if you want to get the answer to the question that Geoffrey Watts has posed in his article –and I am convinced I have the answer –please follow the link to Depression.
Here is the short explanation based on what I learned about myself and believe is very common in others: When we are lacking in a healthy Sense of Self we rely on a Substitute Sense of Self to give structure to our being in this world. For now you can think of this Substitute Sense of Self as a sort of a place holder for parental approval.
What causes a lack of Sense of Self?
When in early childhood, the parent or caregiver does not effectively “mirror” their child as a (potential) autonomous and independent Self, the foundation for the development of a healthy Sense of Self is missing. Instead, a dependency is developed as the parent keeps the child hostage for serving their own needs. As a compensation the child experiences a natural urge to try to repair that missed opportunity that would have develop into our inner home of “me.”
Please continue reading on my next Blog post that will be published on Feb. 20, 2012.